Interview with Fellow Third Culture Kid and Author Heidi Sand-Hart

More than a year ago I interviewed Heidi, author of the book Home Keeps Moving. I really liked the interview so I have decided to repost it. There is a great opportunity to get a signed copy of Heidi's book with 25% discount check her website.

I like her advice for third culture kids or adult third culture kids:
Read as much as you can about TCKs so you can understand yourself better -- connect with other TCKs either in person or online and begin to process the results of your upbringing. Deal with any unresolved anger or bitterness you may have as a result because it will eat you up after a while. And focus on the many positives that such a diverse life has - embrace the uniqueness.

1. In which countries did you live as a child and what age were you at the time?
England - born and lived off an on until I was 16, India - age 5 (off and on) until I was 18, Norway - 15-17 years old.

2. What was the reason that you were living abroad? If it was work, what kind of work did your parents do?
My parents were missionaries so that is the reason we lived between India and England all the time, for durations of 8 months - 2 years. My mother started 2 orphanages in South India for unwanted girls and my father taught but also researched different tribal groups.

3. Please tell us about your book "Home Keeps Moving". How old were you when you wrote the book?
“Home Keeps Moving” tells the story of growing up in many worlds due to moving frequently throughout my childhood. It gives a lot of insight into the many struggles and challenges that “Third Culture Kids” face with constantly leaving friends, homes and their familiar surroundings – of those trying to grasp an understanding of who they are and how they fit into their current society. I actually started writing "Home Keeps Moving" over years ten ago when I was 19 years old but realised the task was too overwhelming at the time. As I’ve gotten older, I have realised how exciting, colourful and unique my own childhood was and I wanted to share that with others.

4. Many people want to write a book someday, but you did it! Who was your inspiration and what was the key to your success?

I was inspired to write a book when I discovered there were hardly any personal accounts of growing up as a "Third Culture Kid" out there. There is the TCK bible (as it's referred to) but not a lot which actually tells the story first hand of constantly moving, adapting, transitioning…leaving friends, houses, pets, schools and starting all over again. I realised as I entered my early 20s how much my unusual upbringing had moulded me and wanted to reach out to others in the same place. I also hoped the book would be insightful to people from conventional backgrounds and can be used as a tool to understand their TCK friends/colleagues/spouses better. As for who inspired me to write it…conversations with my brother were the catalyst but I just had a desire within that wouldn't fade away so ten years down the line, I picked it up and gave it another go!

5. What's your advice for other TCKs or for anyone wanting to write a book?
Stick with it until the end! It seems like everyone has started writing a book at some stage of their lives but not many people complete them. It is tough going at times but make sure you surround yourself with supportive people and keep giving yourself goals to achieve.

6. What did you most like about growing up abroad?
I loved spending so much of my childhood in India…a culture so completely opposite to my European heritage. It's colour, vibrancy, smells and smiles were captivating and I loved all the travelling and tropical holidays we had there. I loved the chaos and freedom…as a child, it felt like you could do anything since it's not ruled by laws like Northern Europe.

7. What was most difficult?
I suppose missing friends in England was the hardest thing and I remember missing sweets and food but we adapted quickly and had a rich life in India in different ways.

8. How did living abroad influence your choice of career or study?
Living in India and seeing the value of my mum's work (orphanages) birthed in me the desire to do something similar with my life. It seemed that all around me people had made unconventional choices with their lives and it gave me the boldness to not do traditional further education (university) but pursue my dreams instead.

9. Can you say something about your social network? In how many countries do you have friends?
Good Lord, that's a great question…one that I can't answer though! It must be close to a hundred countries for sure but don't hold me to that! Social networking sites (such as Facebook) have really helped me stay connected to dear friends around the world. It makes them feel closer even though I rarely get to see them in person.

10. Which languages do you speak? Do you have advice on learning languages for families living abroad now?
I speak English and Norwegian (limited) and a small mishmash of other languages. I studied French and German at school but unless you immerse yourself in the language, I don't think it sticks for as long. Growing up as a TCK is definitely the best opportunity to jump leaps ahead with languages…it's a great advantage.

11. When and where did you first hear of the term “third culture kid (TCK)? How did you hear of it and in which way did it help you?
I first heard the term "Third Culture Kid" as a 16 year old when I was living in India. My cousin had sent an article (by David Pollock) to my parents and it suddenly jumped out at me. I was extremely excited to know I belonged to this tribe and felt proud of my upbringing.

12. What characteristics have you developed or do you think you have developed because of growing up abroad?
A deep love and passion for travel and different cultures. I have a travel bug that can never be eradicated…the more I see, the more I realise there is to see. I love seeing and recognising the positives in both the European and Asian ways of life despite being opposite. The world isn't rigid, there is no right or wrong. We are just the result of the bubble we grew up in and luckily, my bubbles are many and large. TCKs generally have cultural awareness and can pick accents easily!  

13. Are there things related to growing up abroad that are difficult for you to this day?
I constantly miss the other side…the grass is always greener and when I'm in London, I constantly dream of being in Asia. When I've been there for a while, I usually romanticise London! The hardest thing is always having a part of you missing…

14. How was it to return to your “home country” (passport country)?
This one's tricky because my passport growing up was Norwegian but I was born in England and hadn't lived in Norway until I was 16. When I did move to Norway though as a teenager, it was a huge shock and very difficult time for me. I didn't fit in at all and actually wanted people to think I was English! I talk a lot about this in the book so I will leave it at that…

15. With which countries do you feel a bond? Where’s home?
The strongest bonds for me are definitely with India and England. Despite my parents both being Scandinavian (Finnish/Norwegian), I have never had an affinity with either of their countries because we didn't spend much time in either of them when I was a child. It was just summer holidays and we always thought upon England or India as "home". India lives in my blood, constantly calling me back. And England…it's the country of my birth, most of my early childhood memories and bonds occurred there and I have chosen to bond with it. I understand how everything works…the humour, the system, the people, the transport…but deep down, I still know that I'll never truly fit in. That's why I love London…it is so multicultural and you can be from anywhere in the world yet be accepted as a Londoner. For now, it's "home".

A thank you to Heidi for the interview. Heidi's blog is: homekeepsmoving.blogspot.com. You can follow her on twitter: @HomeKeepsMoving. By the way what would your advice be to third culture kids?

Related Posts

• Giving Third Culture Kids a Voice
• Book review of Expat Teens Talk
• Book review of Slurping Soup and Other Confusions
• New Book Belonging Everywhere & Nowhere: Insights into Counseling the Globally Mobile by Lois J.Bushong

I'm not a tourist but I 'm not really Dutch either...

With a suitcase, a really full bag, my viola with a tennis racket strapped onto it I board the plane. Alone. Depature was from Harare, Zimbabwe and the destination Schiphol international airport. Arrival time a fresh morning in May. Blond, blue eyes, nineteen years old, the start of an adventure called: going to university in Holland. Was I an international student? Was I Dutch?

One thing was certain even though I spoke Dutch I did not really understand the Dutch. I thought I knew what I should know. I thought I would be able to understand the ways of the Dutch. What a major culture shock! The wierd thing was that I had not expected a culture shock at all. In the meantime I have survived and started to thrive here so I have some advice for you.

10 tips to survive and thrive in the Netherlands:

1. Buy a bicycle. It's an easy way to integrate, do as the Dutch do. If you are sensible you will buy some

   

   At Keukenhof by DrieCulturen 

   good "fietstassen" (bicycle bags) too. Mine are one of the best investments I have ever made. They have served me so well I could write a whole post just about my "fietstassen".
2. If you are serious about learning Dutch get a button "Spreek Nederlands! met mij!" and pin it on your jacket. Otherwise people start speaking English to you when they hear your accent or hear you struggling to speak Dutch.
3. Buy a museumkaart which gives you free entry to nearly 400 museums all over the country. To give you an idea there are more than 30 museums in Amsterdam which you can visit with the card.
4. If you have a garden plant some tulip bulbs, it will make spring even more exciting. You can plant them now between September and December. I mean it is the country of the tulips so why not let them flower in your garden.
5. Make sure you know how to flush the toilet. There are many different kind of toilets here. Sometimes you need to push a button or pull on a chain. There are even bloggers that write about the toilet here: everything you never wanted to know about Dutch toilets.
6. When going to a Dutch birthday party remember to congratulate all the family members too, it's what you do here.
7. If you want to start a conversation while waiting in a queue just start talking about the weather. In the beginning I was irritated about the fact that everyone complained about the weather and was always talking about the weather but it is just a way to start a conversation. What a revelation!  
8. Start cycling just for fun. There are nearly 35 thousand kilometres of cycle paths in our country. It is the cyclist friendliest country in the world. Discover the cycling culture! Even the BBC wonders why cycling is so popular in the Netherlands? Do you need suggestions for your cycling adventure? If so check this website Nederland Fietsland. 
9. Taste the local food like stroopwafels, drop (liquorish) and herring. Did you that herring is the thing the Dutch miss most when they live abroad?
10. Make a local friend and spend time together.

Now back to the question about where I'm from. The answer is a complicated one. I am not a tourist but I am not really Dutch either. I was born and bred in Africa but I have a Dutch passport. When I came to my "passport country" I suffered from a culture shock. I now know I was a hidden immigrant at the time. I looked very Dutch but I thought differently. My identity had been formed by all the years I had lived in Africa. Even though I spoke Dutch at home I did not know the sayings and the slang words. I easily connect with expats and internationally minded people, actually I love being in an environment with people from different nationalities. Years ago I discovered that I was a "third culture kid". That discovery helped me understand my confusion. It gave words to my feelings. I am a member of the "third culture kid" tribe. Actually I am a global citizen living in the Netherlands at the moment. In Dutch we would say "een wereldburger".

Just in case you have never heard of the term "third culture kids" it refers to a person who has spent a

At Madurodam by DrieCulturen

significant part of his or her developmental years outside the parents’ culture, like I did. The TCK frequently builds relationships to all of the cultures, while not having full ownership in any.

Moving to the Netherlands years ago was the start of my new adventure. I hope you meet as many interesting people as I have here, I hope you become addicted to cycling like I did. I hope you not only survive but thrive in the land of the clogs and tulips. Do you have any survive and thrive tips? Please share them here.

If you enjoy this blog would you take a couple of minutes and vote for my blog in the I'm not a tourist expat blog competition. Voting closes 30 October 2013. So time is short. Thank you for your support.

Will therapy be the place a third culture kid finds their voice?

Once again the internet has helped me find some research on third culture kids. This time it is a thesis on the subject "Third Route Kids: A New Way of Conceptualizing the Adult Third Culture Kid Experience" by Tamara Lynn Williams at the University of British Columbia (February 2013).

I want to quote part of her research. I know she writes specifically about the therapeutic setting but there are some great themes here: third culture kids as hidden immigrants, fitting in to the dominant group, silencing their voices, and not telling their stories.

"In a therapeutic setting, it may be of help to recognize your role as a therapist in restoring the voice to the TCKs in the room and to encourage them in finding places where their stories and their voices will be accepted as valuable. Being able to share their stories, even in a focus group setting, appeared to be a positive and encouraging experience for the participants, and their stories were often punctuated with laughter and recognition of a shared experience. Remembering that TCKs are often a hidden minority/non-dominant/immigrant population is important, since they may often be able to fit into the social expectations in the world around them and will often avoid talking about stories or experiences that may make others uncomfortable or that sessile individuals have difficulty relating to. As a therapist, it is important not to place people into predetermined categories based on assumptions of their culture or past. Many TCKs are able to appear to fit into a dominant group, due to the silencing they have experienced; if not given a voice in therapy, their experience may go unexplored. It is hoped that therapy will serve as a place where TCKs’ voices are heard and not another experience where TCKs are silenced."

The research included focus groups of third culture kids in which they discussed different topics. What was striking is that participants noticed that they all experienced a certain time that they felt:

1. Increased angst
2. Dissatisfaction with themselves
3. Identity confusion.

As they matured they grew out of the period of angst and identity confusion. During that time they they felt:

1. Dissatisfaction with their sense of self
2. Heightened anxiety
3. Sadness
4. Worry over whether they would ever fit in

There were periods of feeling grief, anger and sadness over their childhood experiences. The good news is that as they matured and grew out of that developmental phase they began to feel at peace and happy with their experiences.

If you grew up abroad, like I did and have experienced one or more of the feelings mentioned above then I hope you know now that you are not the only one with these feelings. It can be quite painful at the time but there is hope. A time can come when you feel at peace and can look back and kind of be happy with your experiences. I have not had help from a therapist but some times I wonder how it would have helped me. I read a lot on the topic of third culture kids. Reading and talking to others has helped me on my journey.

You might need a little help in the process, maybe a therapist can help you a little on the way. If you find a good therapist, the therapy can be a safe place where your third culture kid voice and story can be heard.

Tips to help you on your journey in becoming an adult TCK:

• Find people who will listen to your story!
• Remember you have a unique story which needs to be told. Start a blog or submit your stories for the TCK anthology, read Giving Third Culture Kids A Voice for more information.
• Sharing your story with like-minded people can be positive and encouraging.
• If in despair seek help from a good therapist.

Have you felt any of the emotions mentioned? Have you found a way to be at peace with your childhood experineces? Any tips? Did therapy give you a safe place to tell your story? I wonder. Please share your story here. By the way here's the link to Tamara Lynn William's research.

Related posts:

• The downside of growing up overseas as a third culture kid
• TCK Talent Diahann Reys in her elemant as writer, actor and storytelling coach (the Displaced Nation)
• Are you raising messed up kids?
• My 10 disadvantages of growing up abroad

Giving Third Culture Kids A Voice

Recently I had the privilege of meeting Eva László-Hertbert. I am glad she agreed to answer some questions about a great project that she is doing together with Jo Parfitt. Third culture kids this is your opportunity to be creative and to let your voice be heard. The project is called The Worlds Within TCK Anthology. The deadline for submissions has been postponed to the 30th of October 2013, so you can still send in

submissions.

These words by Eva jumped out at me:

"I am hugely excited about this project and want to shout it out to all four corners of the world:  hello, young and beautiful people, this is your moment to tell the world what it is like to be born in Dubai, have grandparents in Leicestershire, Skype with a best friend in Poland and still miss life in Argentina." 

How was the idea for the book born?

Home is where the sunflower grows

The idea for the upcoming anthology of TCK writing “ The Worlds Within “ was forged following the 2012 FIGT  – Families in Global Transition – conference in Washington DC, USA. I was invited to be the closing key note speaker and Jo was launching her book and leading workshops on writing your life story.

Founded in 1998 at the kitchen table of Ruth van Reken (co-author of Third Culture Kids–Growing Up Among Worlds), FIGT is both the mother hen and the flagship of all writing, research and publishing on TCK/ ATCK matters, connecting brilliant minds who speak and dream in many tongues all across the globe.

To me, sharing my views on identity vs nationality with 200 strangers who I had come to deeply feel connected to in less than 72 hours was a life changing event. It was for the first time ever that all the many pieces of my “weird” biography were being voiced and brought together – and no one told me off for being weird, strange, too complicated or simply unreal. These people were genuinely curious and they kept nodding – and then had equally incredible stories to share themselves. Which they did until the wee hours of the morning.

Questions that had put my life on hold for so many years – who am I, where do I really belong to, and so many more – suddenly found an answer and were put into the right context and perspective. Words fail to describe the effect this had on my outlook on myself and the many worlds I am living in… on Facebook this would translate into OMG !! WOW !! and a lot of L J.

My definition of home is: home is where you don’t need to explain yourself.

Well, in March 2012, at FIGT – please immerse yourself into www.FIGT.org -  me, myself and I arrived home. HOME! After returning to The Hague, my eureka moment and Jo’s expert and compassionate guidance led to the idea of giving other TCKs and ATCKs a voice of their own, to be compiled into an anthology of original writing.  A lot has been written about TCKs / ATCKs and related issues – we felt that the time for showcasing the practice in genuine TCK/ATCK words and art was ripe. 

Is it correct that art and writing can be submitted?

To be part of The Worlds Within: Write as much as a short story or as little as a haiku – you may use up to 2000 words; draw, paint, make a collage – whatever.

The deadline for submissions is 30 October 2013.

Submissions can be sent to TCKTheWorldsWithin@gmail.com, in Times New Roman 12 font, formatted in indented paragraphs. Artwork will be published in black and white and must be submitted in the highest possible resolution.

Authors, aged 0-27, have the explicit right to remain anonymous or submit their work using a nom-de-plume.

Minimum requirements that need to accompany submissions: a name, the age when the submitted work was created, countries the author has lived in and a three word motto, which is relevant to their life (mine, for example is: connect – contribute – celebrate). If desired, they may add any information – website, blog, email, twitter – by which their art / writing can be followed.

The texts – up to 100 – will be organized by age.

Yes, we do accept submissions of group effort – what a great idea!

For all further questions please email us TCKTheWorldsWithin@gmail.com, like us on www.facebook.com/TheWorldsWithin and – very important – keep writing!

And, last but not least: please be our ambassador. Tell your siblings, cousins, friends, colleagues and class mates about this chance to tell the world what it feels like to be the genuine, unique and complex YOU.

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Thank you Eva. I hope there will be many submissions because children who grow up in other cultures are very creative. Even adult third culture kids can send in submissions. Please spread the word around. I just love the idea of a book with works by third culture kids. What are your thoughts on this? I would love some comments. Just to let you know that I read each comment.

Related Posts:

• Guestblog: An Ode To Third Culture Kids
• TCK speaking: "I'm not from Anywhere"
• Guestpost: Who am I?
• SeaChangeMentoring Events October 2013 Den Haag (SeaChangeMentoring Website)

The Winner is...Someone who is Raising Third Culture Kids!

Last but not least! MaDonna who writes the blog Raising TCKs has won the giveaway, a signed copy of the book Expat Life Slice by Slice to celebrate my blog's second anniversary. She was the last person to post a comment on the great interview with the Telegraph blogger and author of the book Apple Gidley. Apple grew up abroad and has kept moving since. If you missed the interview do check it out because it is worth reading. I enjoyed it and did you know Apple even lived in Emmen, the Netherlands for some time?

I like her closing words: "I think amidst all the chaos of packing and adjustments, particularly at this time of year when people are on the move again, it’s important to remember the chaos will dissipate, the groans of reluctant children will lessen and we will find a friend with whom to share coffee or wine."  

Let's take those words to heart especially during a time of change. Even during a storm, a time will come when the storm has passed and all is at rest again. Peace has returned.

There is a favourite little verse of mine. I learned it in Africa and it has stayed with me since. It's comforting:

A cup of coffee in Gent, Belgium recently @DrieCulturen

Life is a mixture of sunshine and rain
teardrops and laughter
pleasure and pain
We can't have all bright days,
but is is certainly true:
There was never a cloud the sun did not shine through!

I want to congratulate MaDonna on winning the book. I hope she finds some time to a read and enjoy the book. MaDonna lives in Asia, she calls her family a fusion family. One of her TCKs is a special needs child and with lots of wisdom MaDonna writes about her experiences. Like the post on An Expat Special Needs TCK Parent. Her most recent post is: Expat Special Needs Parent: Marriage Homework. 
She's on twitter too @mdmaurer.

By the way how do you survive a storm in your life? Any tips?

Interesting Links:

• Sharing a secret on raising resilient kids
• Third Culture Kid series: Painting Pictures (Djiboutijones)
• Interview with Heidi Dans-Hart author of Home Keeps Moving
• Make Sure to Say Good-Bye (RaisingTCKs) 

Research Project on Identity: Looking for (Adult) Third Culture Kids!

I received an email from Jo. She's looking for people who grew up abroad and returned to their passport country for university (like I did) or employment. I am posting her request because I am glad that there are people researching this topic. So whether you were an expat kid, a military brat, a diplomat kid, a missionary kid or maybe even an immigrant kid just respond. If you are the person she is looking for please send her an email! Thanks. Any researchers out there, please just keep the research coming and we're looking forward to hearing your conclusions.

"Third Culture Kids: Experiences of Identity Formation
She's conducting a study of Third Culture Kids (TCKs) returning ‘home’ for university or similar

What is the purpose of the study?
This study will focus on third culture kids (TCKs) who have returned to their parental passport country in the last 8 years to attend university or seek employment. The purpose of the study is to understand the experiences of TCKs returning to this country and look at the resources such as possesions, media, people and activities you have used to help you understand your identity.

Have you lived outside your parental passport country for at least four years?
Returned to you parental passport country for university or employment?
If YES she would like to hear from you
For more information on the study please contact:

Jo Withers: jo.withers2@googlemail.com

The research is being conducted as part of an MSc Psychology course at Oxford Brookes University"

Related topics:

• Third Culture Kids Going to University 
• The Most Difficult Transition for Third Culture Kids 
• Counselors Be Curious About Their Upbringing 

Is There a Difference Between Adults and Kids Living Abroad?

Someone wrote to me this week that there is no difference between adults and children living abroad in different cultures. I am sorry but I cannot agree with this statement because it just is not true. There are many things that are the same:

1. Both adults and children can experience a culture shock on transitioning to a new country.
2. Both can struggle to learn the new language. Usually the kids win this one!
3. Both need to discover what the rules and customs are in a country. The kids usually adapt quicker than the adults.

Madurodam, in the Netherlands

The difference is that the adults have formed their identity before moving to the new country. The child is still is still in the process of forming his or her identity. So the key word here is: identity. In my latest post I wrote about identity. Culture is linked to identity. Once you do know how a culture works it gives us a sense of belonging, identity and confidence. The problem with third culture kids is that they might think they know the culture and then suddenly they move to a new country and the culture is different. Our family, our community and the place we live in serve as mirrors to us. A child forms their own identity by using these mirrors. When the mirrors change the identity formation is much more of a challenge. This is the crucial difference between adults and children living and moving abroad.

I believe there are things that parents can do to help kids form their identity and to help third culture kids feel less of a victim of their circumstances. In the end no one grows up in perfect conditions. Maybe I will write about this in the future.

10 Things parents can do to help their children form their identity and thrive while growing up abroad:

1. Regularly return to the passport country, for me that was the Netherlands.
2. If possible return to the same place for a period of time in the passport country. We usually spent part of our leave on the family farm in Friesland, in the north of the Netherlands. It helps kids bond with that place. Julia Munroe Martin writes about where she spent her summer vacations. "I had no place to call home. The closest I ever felt to home was with my grandmother at her house in Poland, Ohio, on the banks of Yellow Creek."
3. Tell stories about your heritage. Tell stories about the grandparents. Research shows that children who know more about their family background are more resilient. Here's an article about it in the New York Times.
4. Teach children their mother tongue. Speak it to them and encourage them to speak it. There is an interesting link between language and identity!
5. Help the children to be in contact with their family abroad. Here are some great suggestions by Libby Stephens on grandparenting over the seas.
6. Have your own family traditions. Develop your own way of celebrating birthdays or special days. While I grew up in Africa we celebrated Sinterklaas every year.
7. Encourage children to have a treasure box, with special small items from the countries they have lived in.
8. Help children say goodbye well when they leave a country, so that they can start anew in a healthy way.
9. Help children when they transition back to their passport country. If possible let them have their own debriefing*. The transition back is very challenging.
10. If children are transitioning back for college or university you can consider getting a mentor to mentor them during the transition period. There is a new mentoring program for expat teens done by Sea Change Mentoring.

Do you have any suggestions how we can help our kids? Do you agree that there is a difference between adults and children living and moving abroad?

* Debriefing is telling our story, complete with experiences and feelings, from our point of view. It is a verbal processing of past events. Debriefing includes both facts and emotional responses, and invites feedback.

Related posts:
Third culture kids self-identity books
Sharing our Roots Interview (on Life with a Double Buggy)
Learning to Grieve well (on Communicating across Boundaries)
The discomfort of re-entry back home (on Sara Taber's blog)

Reporting from EuroTCK in Germany

I am very privileged to be able to attend the Euro TCK conference in Germany at the moment. I will try and share some of the information I am hearing here. I have never been in a place where there are so many people interested in third culture kids and so many workshops about all kinds of topics related to third culture kids. To my delight the main speaker is Ruth van Reken, she is the co-author together with D.Pollock of the book "Third Culture Kids, Growing Up Among Worlds".

This morning Ruth talked about Living with change. One of the things her father always said was "unpack your bags and plant your trees". So make Sure you fully start living in the new place or country you have moved to.

We heard about how we learn about culture.


1. We learn the rules as children.
2. We test the rules as adolescents.
3. We internalize and operate the rules as adults.

As we grow up we learn about culture. Our family, our community and the place we live in serve as mirrors to us. A child form's their own identity by using these mirrors. What happens when children grow up internationally in many different places and countries is that these mirrors keep changing which makes it more complicated to form the own identity.

Once you do know how a culture works it gives us a sense of belonging, identity and confidence. We know how it works!

Ruth mentioned that there are 3 different ways children react when they enter a new culture.

1. The chameleon: tries to find "same as" identity.

Ruth van Reken at Eurotck 2013

2. The screamer: tries to find a "different from" identity.
3. The wallflower: tries to find the "non-identity", to be invisible.

We had a discussion during our session and some adult third culture kids said sometimes they were a chameleon but at other times they really wanted to be different and they acted more as the "screamer".

Tomorrow Ruth van Reken is speaking about growing through change.

Related Posts:
Guestblog an Ode to Third Culture Kids by Casey
I am from ....and where are you from?
An interview with graphic design student Jessica on her third culture kid book project

Guestblog "An Ode to the Third Culture Kids" by Casey

Recently I discovered a very interesting blog called True Colours. It's a lovely blog written by Casey. She loves traveling and has beautiful photos on her blog, you should have a look. I just fell in love with her Ode to Third Culture Kids. I am so glad Casey agreed to let me share it with you here. It's over to Casey.

An Ode to the Third Culture Kids

If this title confuses you, just bear with me and I'll provide a background on what I'm talking about.  But to start, one of the things I hope to accomplish on this blog is to promote understanding & to negate ignorances.  I think in order to do that, we need to start with my backstory to understand where we're going with this today.

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I was born and raised in Saudi Arabia.  

My home for all of my childhood, it was truly all I knew.  

It was home. 

So when it was time to leave, I left as a pre-teen child knowing that the goodbyes I was saying to my friends, my childhood home, the country I knew and loved, 

I knew I'd probably never see any of them again.

That day we left Saudi was heartbreaking, not just for me but for my parents too.  

I'll never forget the feeling that crept up on me that day, it truly changed my life.

From then on, the first couple years back in the States I had a really hard time. Not necessarily adjusting to life here or meeting new friends, but in the fact that I felt like a whole part of me was suddenly missing. Something I couldn't really explain to people that didn't understand.

For years, I HATED the question "where are you from?"  

I couldn't answer it without going into the whole story because I wasn't really "from" Saudi, 

but it had been my birthplace, my home.

And I wasn't "from" the States either, somehow that seemed far more foreign to me than saying I was from Saudi.  

And hence came many many years of not really feeling at home anywhere, never truly feeling like I was "home" in the States, nor that it was truly what defined my citizenship.

I had no one except my parents that understood this, though they also were in a different boat than me.  Their time in Saudi had been in adulthood, with many years in the States before that and so while they tried as hard as they could, it wasn't a feeling they could totally understand either.

Through my high school years the connection to my Saudi childhood friends over the internet helped tremendously.  At times when I'd really miss it, I'd talk to them.  I'd look at their photos of our old home and reminisce with them about when we were kids.  

Many of them I still am in contact with today.  

I apologize that this post is so winded, but here in lies the rub, this is the story of my life and it is winded.

I can't just say "I'm from Oregon" and be done with it.

Or "I'm American" and be done with it... because even though now both of those hold true,

they don't paint the whole picture, just a tiny part of it.

So anyways, in college I came across the term "3rd culture kid."

And it seriously changed my life.  This term describes kids like me, born and raised in a foreign country but a citizen of another and somewhere in between both of those, lies a 3rd culture we've sort of created for ourselves, a mixture of the 2 that we "belong" to.

To finally be able to see my situation written in a word, to finally be able to express what I had been feeling all those years in a way someone else might be able to understand. 

It was a huge revelation.

And then just the other day I came across this article talking about the exact same thing but relaying a single world for the feelings I've had for years.  "Saudade," a Portuguese word without an equivalent in English means "a longing, a melancholy, a desire for what was and something that really won't ever be again."

That word stopped me in my tracks the other day as I read the article (forwarded to me by a friend from Saudi).  That one word is one that I hold with me everyday in my heart and I've been holding it for a very long time now without even knowing the word that described it.

To really imagine the feeling, imagine the place you grew up, your house, your home, your friends, your family, your hobbies, your reality, gone in 1 day, knowing you'd never see it again. 

I guess my point in all this is that sometimes, as 3rd culture kids, no one understands why we feel this way.  People always tell me, "well you're American though, so I don't get it."

And I wish it were that simple but it is far from that.

While my passport has always been American, in large letters in the place of birth category is written

prominently "Saudi Arabia" and there is the story of my life.

Caught between 2 cultures that have never been truly mine, either one of them.

So now years down the road, I look back and can understand a little better what I went through and what I felt is felt by 3rd culture kids all around the world.  

And so here is my ode to the 3rd culture kids around the globe, may we find peace in who we are, where we come from and how the world has shaped us.  

And may others try to understand that it isn't so black and white for us, 

that sometimes cultures blur, boundaries are undefined.  

I think as a world we need to understand this more and as more and more lines do blur,

we must know that our hearts can hold pieces of our "homes," even if that home can't be 

drawn on a map.

I'll always be a little "Arab" and I'm so thankful for that because it's a huge part of who I am

and I hope it always will be.

Now when someone asks me where I'm from, I smile and respond

"I grew up in Saudi Arabia."

And then I wait for the questions that always seem to follow...

  Photo copyright Nick Nieto

Casey on twitter @cmart1015
Bloglovin' True Colours
Casey wrote another post recently: A Little bit of Background

Want to Know How to Prepare Third Culture Kid Teens for Adulthood?

Yes! I would love to know how to prepare third culture kid teens for adulthood. Well the expat parents living in the Netherlands have a great opportunity coming up. There are two workshops coming up this week on this topic. Ellen from Sea Change Mentoring is visiting the Netherlands and she will be conducting this workshop. I interviewed Ellen recently about her new mentoring program for expat teens. It's worth reading the interview.

The first workshop is Monday 11th March 2013 from 18.00 to 19.30 hrs in the American Book Center Treehouse in Amsterdam. You can register here.

The second workshop is on Tuesday 12th March 2013 18.00hrs to 19.30 hrs at the American school in Wassenaar. More information is available here.

During the workshop participants will:

• Learn the specific challenges and successes TCKs experience when transitioning to their passport culture, university and young adulthood
• Learn what reverse culture shock is and how TCK teens and young adults experience this
• Learn strategies to minimize the harmful symptoms of reverse culture shock
• Learn what skills and characteristics are specific to TCKs and how teens and young adults can make the most of these
• Learn how mentoring is an effective solution to helping TCKs through this transition and how Sea Change Mentoring works
• Network with other participants to help strengthen a supportive community around these matters
• Connect with a number of related resources 
  
  

Ellen says: "I grew up as a TCK in Japan and Singapore and know firsthand what the benefits are of living abroad and what the risks can be of going “home.” According to the research that’s out there and our own survey results, the majority of TCK’s want (or wished they had) someone from the expat community to guide them through the process of adjusting to their home country. Mentoring is focused on letting the power of a structured relationship with a caring and safe adult be a guiding force in helping a young person live a well adjusted life. In my opinion, mentoring is perfectly suited to help young people living abroad." 

I hope to attend one of the workshops and I am willing make notes and share what I learn. What do you want to know? What's your experience? Do you have advice for other parents?

Related Posts:
Book review of the book Expat Teens Talk
The Most difficult transition for third culture kids  
A Third Culture Kid's Guide to college (DenizenMag)
Culture Shock: What Your Kids can't Tell You (Anne Gillme)
Third Culture Kid Book Project by Jessica Wen

Photo by Anita Peppers MorgueFile.

Breaking the Silence

This is only my second blog post in 2013. It has never been so quiet on my blog since I started it in June 2011. The reason is that I read an article Why Bloggers Fail and the article made me think. Derek Halpern says that "It turns out that most people who start blogs quit within the first 3 months." Well I am glad to say I survived the first 3 months! To tell you the truth this blog is nearly two years old.

So what made me think? He says most bloggers waste too much time creating new content. According to him "the secret lies in your ability to promote the content you already have". So I did a small experiment for a couple of weeks I did not create any new content and I just watched to see whether there were still people reading the blog. To my surprise there were still many people reading content, so that was a great discovery. The only thing I did notice was that there were nearly no new comments so that is a little sad. Maybe I should have done a little more to promote the content I already have.

I made another discovery during the time of silence on the blog. I discovered that when I was not in the routine of writing the blog it became more difficult to start writing on the blog again. It's a little like exercising when you are in the routine of going to the sports club twice a week it's easy to keep doing it but once you stop going it's harder to get the discipline and start going again.  

I have another dilemma. I have this dream that I want to write a book. I need to find or make some extra time somewhere. I have a job during the day and all my writing is done in the evenings or weekends. Maybe if I spend less time writing for my blog I will have more time to write my dream book. Do you have the same kind of problem? Do you have any tips?

By the way the dream book I want to write is about third culture kids. I need your help. What kind of book would you like to read on the topic? Do you have any thoughts, questions, or suggestions that could be useful for me? Please share them. What topics should be addressed? Or do you think there are enough books about expat kids? Please break the silence with me on my blog and let your voice be heard.

Ps. Let me share another secret with you. If you want more comments on your blog then leave more comments on other blogs and see what happens. I tried it and it works, but it requires some discipline and time.

Related Posts:
Book review of the book: Expat Teens Talk 
Interview with Heidi Sand-Hart author of "Home Keeps Moving"
Book: Emotional Resilience and the Expat Child
Third culture kids speaking "I'm not from Anywhere"
Book review of Expat Alien
Interview with Expat Author Apple Gildley (Adventures In Expat Land)

International Third Culture Kid Events in 2013

It's always good to look ahead when a new year starts. Last year finished with a book giveaway here on the blog. The interesting thing was that a Dutch TCK living in Norway won the book and it turns out that our parents know each other from the time they lived in Zambia and Malawi. It's a small world after all.
I see that there are some interesting international conferences coming up. These are the ones I have come across.

1. EuroTCK 2013 25th - 29th April 2013 is a conference in Germany for all people with a heart for Third Culture Kids, whether you have TCK responsibility within your mission, organisation or church, whether you are a dorm parent, teacher, re-entry camp staffer or provide any form of TCK Care. Adult TCKs not involved with any organisation are also welcome. Guest speaker will be Ruth van Reken.
2. Nacada International Conference 2013 Enhancing Student Success: A Global Perspective 5 - 7th June 2013 in Maastricht, the Netherlands. The aim of this conference is to explore the ways in which personal tutoring, academic advising and other forms of institutional student support and guidance contribute to improving student success in higher education. More than ever before and across the globe there is a growing recognition for the crucial role institutional support such as academic advising, personal tutoring, and career services play in promoting all these aspects of student success.
3. Children Migrants & 3rd Culture Kids International Conference 2013: Roots and Routes. 7 - 9 th June 2013 in Kraków, Poland. During the conference the experiences will be analyzed of children who have spent a significant part of their childhood and/or youth in other country than their parents’ country of origin. They hope that the analysis and discussions will also result in identifying the ways of helping those, for whom migration has been a difficult or traumatic experience. There's a call for papers too they can be submitted before the 1st of March 2013.
4. Families in Global Transition 2013 22-23 rd March 2013 in Silver Spring, Maryland, USA. FIGT has, for over ten years, led the worldwide community in empowering families and those who serve them in global transition. FIGT is the premier advocate and educational resource for families, organizations and service providers. They build the global community by bringing together corporate, diplomatic, academic, the arts, military, missionary, and NGO sectors to share and develop leading edge research and concepts that address international relocation issues. The conference is all about families and third culture kids too.

Some more dates:
Transitioning to the USA this year? From 27th of July - 2nd August 2013 in Colorado, USA there is a transition seminar by Interaction International. This transition seminar is for adolescent third culture kids, if you want them not just to survive the transition but to thrive send them to a transition seminar. Research shows that the transition to the passport culture is the most difficult transition.

Global Connections in the UK have holiday camps for third culture kids in the UK in July and August 2013. There are camps for different ages (6-12 yrs, 8- 12 yrs, 13-18 yrs).

MK Focus have a missionary kids weekend from 27th - 29th September 2013 in Putten, the Netherlands.

Thanks to Sheryl 'O Bryan I can add some more information to this post. Sheryl works with third culture kids from all over the world.

In July 2013 there are 3 transition seminars for mission kids run by Barnabas International in California, Ohio and Oregon, USA.

From 3rd - 9th August 2013 there is a transition seminar in Littleton, CO, USA run by Sheryl 'O Bryan. Any third culture kid who is returning to the States or Canada to live and study is welcome to attend.    

Maybe you know of more conferences or TCK transition seminars? Please leave a comment with the details. Have you been to TCK conferences, weekends or transition seminars? What was it like? I wish there had been a transition seminar when I returned to the Netherlands but I will write about that another day.

The Winner is a Third Culture Kid living in Norway

I promised to let you know today who the winner was of the Christmas Giveaway 2012. Well the winner of a signed copy the book Fly Away Home by Maggie Mykleburst is a Dutch third culture kid Mama T, she is living in Norway, just like the author of the book. Congratulations Mama T! Please send me your email address or leave it in the comment so that I can contact you. Thanks again to Maggie for donating the book and agreeing to the interview.

Oliebollen and appelflappen by DrieCulturen

While I am writing this post I can hear the sound of fireworks, as midnight comes closer the noise will increase. It's raining outside now, not ideal weather for fireworks. Traditionally we shoot carbide on the last day of the year. Have you ever heard of it? I wrote about carbide shooting a year ago. Last year I was on our family farm in Friesland watching and listening to the carbide explosions in the milk cans. This year I am at home and we will eat home oliebollen and appelflappen. Some kind of oil dumpling and an oil dumpling filled with apple. When I grew up in Africa I still remember eating oliebollen on the shores of Lake Malawi. The oliebollen were cooked on a wooden stove, quite a task but it resulted in great memories of Dutch traditions abroad.

I hope you all enjoy your new year's eve and I wish you a rich multicultural new year where ever you are and where ever you will be going!

(Mama T you can send me an email at drieculturen@gmail.com thanks).

May You Have a Rich Multicultural Year in 2013

I'm dreaming of ice skating: photo by DrieCulturen

I really wanted to write a Christmas wish this year but before I knew it I was too late. So before new year's eve hits us I want to wish you all a rich multicultural year wherever you are at the moment and wherever you will be going in the year ahead.

Thank you for reading this post. Thank you to everyone I have connected with this past year through this blog, twitter or facebook. I enjoy life a little more through all the new encounters. As a way of expressing my gratefulness there's a giveaway available here on this blog. If you are interested in winning a free signed copy of Maggie Mykleburst's book "Fly Away Home" leave a comment before the 31st of December 2012.

Looking back over 2012 here are 10 things I am excited about:

1. Connecting with so many interesting people this year.
2. A new book that was published "Expat Teens Talk" by Lisa Pittman and Diana Smit. Here's my book review.
3. A new mentoring program for expat teens that has been started called Sea Change Mentoring. Here's an interview I had with Ellen, the initiator.
4. Discovering a great third culture kid poem: "Who Am I?" written by Marina Sofia.
5. In honour of my blog's first anniversary that TCK author Heidi Sand-Hart agreed to an interview and to give away a signed copy of her book "Home Keeps Moving". If you missed the interview do read it.
6. I was on the radio on two different occasions this year talking about my experience growing up abroad as a third culture kid. Here is the interview on DeGids.fm "Een DrieCulturen kind voelt zich eigenlijk nergens thuis. Here is the interview on Expat Radio "Niet weten waar je thuishoort, je bent wellicht een TCK!" Both are in Dutch.
7. The blog post with third culture kid Victoria saying "I am not from Anywhere" received the most comments this year.
8. This blog was nominated for a couple of awards: The Versatile blogger award, Blog Expat Top Award , I'm not a tourist expat blog competition.
9. I really liked this guest blog by Libby Stephens "Grandparenting over the seas".
10. Daily there are people from more than 10 different countries in the world reading blog posts here. The last 24 hours people from the USA, the Netherlands, Russia, the UK, Israel, New Zealand, Germany, France, India and Austria were here. It's a small world after all! It's exciting.

I need to share something funny. The top search word that people search for and reach my blog is the word "tjendol". I was really surprised. In this post I shared 7 things about myself. This is what I wrote: one of my favourite drinks is: Tjendol (or Cendol), in good Indonesian restaurants you can get it here in the Netherlands. It's just divine. It's with coconut milk and palm sugar. Lesson learned: you're never too old to taste something new. I thought the top search word might be "expat" or "third culture kids" but no "tjendol" is the word that won this year. Sometimes things just work out differently than you expected.

Looking back are there things that you are excited about? What are you grateful for?

Ps. remember to leave a comment and have a chance at winning a free signed copy of Maggie's book.

Here's some advice from Maggie for third culture kids: "Although I think it's great to consider yourself a citizen of the world, I still think its important to know where you come from. To feel a sense of pride and belonging to your passport country."

Related Posts:

• Christmas the Third Culture Kid Way by Unsettled TCK Cecilia Haynes
• An Expat's Letter to Santa by MaDonna Maurer at Raising TCKs
• Christmas Around the World
• For the Third Culture Kid birthday candles are easier to come by than the Christmas kind by the Displaced Nation

Food for Thought on Raising Kids Abroad

"I am a TCK, and so no matter where I go, I am always a minority. My culture is not shared by anyone because it was built out of the fragments of so many different pieces of so many different cultural puzzles." 

These words written by James R.Mitchener jumped out of the page at me. He wrote these words on his blog called Third Culture Kid Life. It's true for me too. My culture is not shared by anybody, even my brothers and sister have a different story though we grew up in the same family and partly in the same countries. My culture is built out of fragments of many different cultural puzzles. It was a great puzzle to kind of understand myself and understand my culture. Discovering that I grew up as a third culture kid (TCK) really helped me. The fact that I discovered there was a group of people called third culture kids who had similar experiences, similar strange feelings was one step on the way to coming to terms with my past. As James says other kids who grew up abroad understand me to a certain degree but still each story is unique, different.

Schiphol International Airport in Madurodam by DrieCulturen

Does this mean that I am telling you not to raise your kids abroad? Am I saying that you should not move them from country to country, continent to continent, from one corner of the world to the next? No it's not what I am saying but I do want you to think about what the consequences will be for your children.

• What challenges will they face? 
• How can I help my kids while making international moves? 
• What impact will this lifestyle have on my kids?
• What's the best age to relocate with kids?
• What language shall we raise our kids in? Please take time to think about this one because it has so many consequences.

One of the ways of discovering what the consequences might be of raising kids abroad is reading about it. Read books, articles and blogs written by people who have grown up abroad.

Like Clara Wiggins who writes about it in The Story of An Expat Child, Grown up. Here's what she says:
"One of the lasting results of my upbringing has been a wanderlust that has taken me to more corners of the world than I can remember."  

Cecilia Haynes writes about her experiences of growing up abroad in this post An Unsettled but Very Happy Third Culture Kid Part 3."Never think of moving abroad as a deprivation of any sort. It is the greatest gift you can give your child." 

Marina Sofia, an adult third culture kids wrote the poem "Who am I?" "I am all the places in which I’ve left my heart."

I have written about what I think the advantages are and what my 10 disadvantages are of growing up abroad. What do you think? Is raising your child abroad the greatest gift you can give them? Have you considered what the consequences of a global lifestyle will be for your kids?

Related Posts:

• I am all the places in which I left my heart
• Cultural Identity confusion and third culture kids
• Children of the world where are your roots?