What do you say to your Third Culture Kids?

A while ago I read a piece written by Rachel Pieh Jones and I just knew that I wanted to share it with you. Rachel lives in Djibouti and has raised her children there. I really like the very honest article she wrote: 15 things I want to tell my third culture kids. At the time her children were about to leave to boarding school, they have now left to university.

The quotes that struck me were "I cry for the choices we've made. And then I defend them with passion". 

The other quote that impressed me was: "I am sorry for the things life has taken from you. The names of all the friends you have said good-bye to are branded in my mind". 

Rachel realizes that she knows what it is like to parent TCKs but she has no idea what it is like to grow up abroad. As you probably know, I grew up abroad and I love the way Rachel tries to understand what it is like for her children and for other kids. A few years ago she hosted a whole guest post series on her blog on third culture kids. She has now made a compilation of these essays, updated the information, added interviews and practical tips and has made it into an ebook.Finding Home. I was privileged to contribute to the series too. I wrote on transitioning globally to university. Many different authors contributed to the ebook: Ruth van Reken, Marilyn Gardner, Mary Bassey, Ma Donna Maurer, Clara Wiggins and Ute Limacher just to name a few.

One of the 5 star reviews said:
"This collection of essays was both relatable and eye opening. As a third culture kid, there was a lot for me to learn and think about after reading each essay. Highly recommended if you want to better understand people who don’t belong in one culture, or if you don’t!"

I would really like to hear what you could say to your third culture kids. One of the things my parents said was that we should dare to be different. Well growing up in Africa I was different, with my blue eyes and blond hair. I actually found it difficult when I was the same as all the other children. I was twelve years old and as a family we spent a couple of months in The Netherlands. I went to form one, but it was a shock to discover that there were three other girls in my class with the same name as I have. I was used to "Janneke" being a really special name, often people had difficulty pronouncing my name. But in the Netherlands "Janneke" is a very common name, especially at that time. There is even a book named Jip and Janneke, Two Kids From Holland. So at the time I had to adjust to the fact that my name was not special at all and even though I looked like the other Dutch girls I was actually different due to growing up in Africa.

What do you say to your third culture kids? 

Related posts:

• My 10 Tips to Prepare your child for an International Move
• 5 Things you Need to Know When Moving Kids Abroad by Lois Bushing
• Grandparenting over the Seas by Libby Stephens

PS. Have you heard that the next Families in Global Transition Conference in 2019 will take place in Thailand? From April 26 - 28.

Q & A with Tanya Crossman author of the book "Misunderstood" The Impact of Growing Up Overseas in the 21st Century

As you probably know I love books and especially on the topic of growing up abroad. I am pleased to announce that a new book on the topic is about to be released and the author Tanya Crossman has agreed to answer some questions specially for you. Thank you Tanya! By the way if you want to know what children or young people say about growing up abroad then you have to read this book. Now over to Tanya.

1. Please tell us about your book “Misunderstood”. Tell us about how you were inspired to write the book?                                                                                                                                   I spent a decade mentoring TCKs (third culture kids), listening to them and learning how they
   
   felt about life. Parents began to ask my advice, and I saw lightbulb moments as they saw their children's situation in a new light. When asked for resources I pointed to lots of great books, but couldn't find anything that did what I did – stand in the gap, and explain the TCK perspective. That is what Misunderstood does: explain how international life affects a child, often in their own words (I interviewed nearly 300 TCKs for the book, plus conducted a survey of 750 TCKs). Misunderstood shows TCKs they are not alone, and helps those who care about them provide more support and understanding.
2. What is the most important message you have for parents of TCKs? What would you like to say to every TCK?
   Being a TCK isn't a bad thing!! Over 80% of the TCKs I surveyed for Misunderstood were glad for their experience, and only 2% would take it back if they could. But TCKs do have a different experience of the world to their parents, and understanding that experience is essential for supporting TCKs well. 
3. Many people want to write a book someday, but you did it! What was the key to success?
   The key to my success has been other people! Wise people I listened to, leading me in directions I would not have gone alone. A mentor read my first attempt and told me I could do much better – that I needed to put my passion in it. A close friend approached me about having my book published professionally, and did the work to make that happen. Then the team at Summertime Publishing helped make Misunderstood better.  
4. What's your advice for other TCKs or anyone wanting to write a book?
   Know why you want to write – what do you care about, and why does it matter? What gap exists that you want to fill? Find anything similar out there, read it well and work out if you have something new and different to say. Secondly, benefit from the experience of others. Cultivate relationships with people who challenge you with wise advice – then listen to them, even when it's hard. 
5. In which countries did you live as a child and what age were you at the time?
   I grew up in my passport country (Australia) but also lived in the US from age 13-15, with my parents and my two younger sisters. As an adult I lived in China for over ten years and also spent a lot of time in Cambodia.
6. What was the reason that you were living abroad? If it was work, what kind of work did your parents do?
   My father worked for a multinational technology company. When he was assigned to work in the US for two years, our whole family went along. We lived immersed in the local life (local schools, etc.) but we all found a cross-cultural friend or two. 
7. What did you most like about living abroad as a young person?
   I enjoyed engaging with a new physical environment. The houses, food, trees, birds, animals, and seasons were all different. I hoarded new sensory experiences – the crunch under my feet walking across our frozen yard in winter, the soft twilight in summer, the bouncing tails of squirrels – and filled myself up with them. 
8. What was most difficult?
   Learning new cultural norms (especially when people didn't think of me as coming from a different culture) was really hard. Simply existing outside my house was tiring! I didn't have words to express the difficulties I experienced, so I had an unhelpful tendency to blame my frustrations on the entire country. It took me years to unravel my feelings. Now I'm very thankful for my time in the US, even though it was hard.
9. How did living abroad influence your choice of career or study?
   I think it showed me there's a whole world of opportunity out there, and not to limit myself to what is “normal” in Australia. 
10. Which languages do you speak? Do you have advice on learning languages for families living abroad  now?
    English is my native language, and I am fluent in Mandarin Chinese. I've forgotten most of the other 10 languages I've studied, but I have basic survival skills in Khmer, Thai, and Indonesian. My biggest piece of advice is to embrace your ignorance – give it a go knowing it won't be perfect, and be humble about your lack of perfection. Another thing that helped me was watching and listening to native speakers doing life – by copying them I picked up the language as it's actually used, rather than stiffly repeating what I'd read in textbooks.
11. When and where did you first hear of the term “Third Culture Kid” (TCK)? How did you hear of it and in which way did it help you?
    When I first started working with TCKs I didn't know that there was such a thing as a TCK! I quickly realised there was something different about these kids due to their unique situations, but it was still two or three years before I started reading literature on the topic. David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken's classic “Growing up among worlds” was eye-opening. What really struck me was the section on repatriation – I kept thinking “that's me!” For the first time I realised my time in the US was a TCK experience. It helped me understand why it had been so hard to “go home”. 
12. How was it to return to your “home country” (passport country)?
    HARD. Both times. When I left the US at age 15 I was excited to “go home and be normal”. I was stunned to discover that although in the US I stood out as Australian, to Australians I sounded American. It was quite a letdown. It took less than a year to re-acclimatise but it was still a significant experience. When I moved to Australia 18 months ago after 11 years in Asia as an adult, I was more prepared for what repatriation might be like, and blogging about the process was really helpful for me. The funny thing is that this time I found it comforting when people thought my accent didn't quite sound Australian! 
13. With which countries do you feel a bond? Where's home?
    Ah, always a tricky question! I am definitely Australian – it 's an important part of my identity – but Australia doesn't really feel like “home” anymore. Beijing feels like home – but I have no family there and no legal right to be there, so I don't feel like I'm “allowed” to call it home. I guess neither one is completely home – so the Third Culture is very important to me! 
    

Thank you once again Tanya for answering these questions but in the first place for writing the book. You can visit Tanya's website for more information. Tanya is on twitter @TanyaTCK and on Facebook at MisunderstoodTCK. You can preorder the book Misunderstood on Amazon, for more preorder options click here. We will be doing a giveaway of the book soon, so come back and check the blog for more information. What questions would you like to ask Tanya?

Related posts:

• 10 Tips to Prepare you child for an international move
• Q&A with Author Heidi Sand-Hart of the book Home Keeps Moving
• Guestblog by Libby Stephens on grandparenting Abroad

Book Review: Slurping Soup and other Confusions

I wish this book had been available years ago when I was a child and our family moved around in Africa. This book is full of real life stories and activities to help third culture kids during transitions. Children related very differently to international moves than adults. This book helps parents get an insight in to how children experience leaving a country and discovering a new country.

The book Slurping Soup and other Confusions has been written by 6 authors, each with their own professional background and they are all parents of third culture kids. One of the authors: Ulrike Gemmer even grew abroad in Jamaica, Somalia, Indonesia, New Zealand and Zambia.

All the children of the authors contributed  their personal stories, artwork, pictures, and ideas for activities. So it's a book by third culture kids for third culture kids!

In one of the first chapters D'Arcy (aged 8) writes "My first year in Vietman was wierd". He says "the worst part about Hanoi was the bad smell outside our house where the taxis parked". The story continues and following this story there is an activity: the Wierdometer. The child is encouraged to write down things they find wierd in the new country.

In another chapter Sophie (aged 8) writes that she did not feel safe in Jakarta, Indonesia when her parents went out and left her with the nanny. She would cry a lot every time they went out. Discover why she did not feel safe and how Sophie and her parents found a solution that made Sophie feel safe! The activity is make your own backup plan.

Hafsah (aged 6) discovered she had missed her favourite aunt's wedding. How could she? Without me? The connected activity is that a child can write down what special event they had missed. Then they can circle the emotion that best fits the feelings they had, like angry, disappointed, sad, heartbroken, confused, lonely etc.

There are many different fun activities: like making a special collage, learning to count in 15 different languages, brainstorming ideas for keeping in touch with relatives, marking on the map of the world where you live and have lived and where you still want to go. The activities are suitable for 3 to 12 year olds.

The book is a collection of 23 true stories. The stories explore:  

• adapting to new environments
• Who am I? Where do I belong?
• Home and family adjustment
• Cultural differences
• Friendship change

This a great book for expat parents to use with kids while preparing to leave, during the move and while living abroad. It is a easy tool to use to talk with your child about the changes and all the things that are different in the new country. It makes it easier for parents to talk about the feelings involved with all the changes. No matter in which country you are moving to you should take it along with you.

Slurping Soup and Other Confusions by Maryam Afnan Ahmad, Cherie Emigh, Ulrike Gemmer, Bárbara Menezes, Kathryn Tonges and Lucinda Willshire. Available on Amazon or on www.slurpingsoup.com. There is a facebook page: Slurping Soup and other confusions too. Interested in a preview of the book? You find a sample here of 4 chapters (includes stories and activities).

Have you used the book? What are your experiences? Do you know of other good books on moving abroad and useful for kids?

Related Posts:

• Jo Parfitt talks to the authors of Slurping Soup and other confusions (Jo Parfitt)
• Expat parents: What are your kids really thinking? (Expat everyday support center)
• Book review of Expat Teens Talk
• Sharing New Third Culture Kid Links

The Winner is...Someone who is Raising Third Culture Kids!

Last but not least! MaDonna who writes the blog Raising TCKs has won the giveaway, a signed copy of the book Expat Life Slice by Slice to celebrate my blog's second anniversary. She was the last person to post a comment on the great interview with the Telegraph blogger and author of the book Apple Gidley. Apple grew up abroad and has kept moving since. If you missed the interview do check it out because it is worth reading. I enjoyed it and did you know Apple even lived in Emmen, the Netherlands for some time?

I like her closing words: "I think amidst all the chaos of packing and adjustments, particularly at this time of year when people are on the move again, it’s important to remember the chaos will dissipate, the groans of reluctant children will lessen and we will find a friend with whom to share coffee or wine."  

Let's take those words to heart especially during a time of change. Even during a storm, a time will come when the storm has passed and all is at rest again. Peace has returned.

There is a favourite little verse of mine. I learned it in Africa and it has stayed with me since. It's comforting:

A cup of coffee in Gent, Belgium recently @DrieCulturen

Life is a mixture of sunshine and rain
teardrops and laughter
pleasure and pain
We can't have all bright days,
but is is certainly true:
There was never a cloud the sun did not shine through!

I want to congratulate MaDonna on winning the book. I hope she finds some time to a read and enjoy the book. MaDonna lives in Asia, she calls her family a fusion family. One of her TCKs is a special needs child and with lots of wisdom MaDonna writes about her experiences. Like the post on An Expat Special Needs TCK Parent. Her most recent post is: Expat Special Needs Parent: Marriage Homework. 
She's on twitter too @mdmaurer.

By the way how do you survive a storm in your life? Any tips?

Interesting Links:

• Sharing a secret on raising resilient kids
• Third Culture Kid series: Painting Pictures (Djiboutijones)
• Interview with Heidi Dans-Hart author of Home Keeps Moving
• Make Sure to Say Good-Bye (RaisingTCKs) 

Top 10 countries for Raising Children abroad in 2011

The Expat Explorer Survey 2011 is a survey in which 3385 expats participated from over a 100 countries of the world. I am most interested in the chapter on raising children abroad. In other words that is the chapter on raising third culture kids. I want to know which country parents think is the best to raise your kids.

The survey looked at 3 main factors on raising kids abroad. These are the 3 factors:

1. Childcare (safety of children, standard of education, quality of childcare and overall cost of raising children)
2. Health and wellbeing (spending time outdoors, spending time with parents, playing sports, playing video games, watching TV, children eat less junk food now)
3. Integration (settled in quicker than parents, enjoyed their lives, are learning new languages, missing home and friends, social integration)

Scores from each factor are weighted to arrive at an overall Raising Children Abroad score and overall rank. The weighting applied is as follows: childcare - 33,3%, Health & wellbeing - 33,3% and Integration 33,3%.

Now here are the top 10 countries for raising children abroad according to this survey:

1. France
2. The Netherlands
3. Australia
4. Hong Kong
5. China
6. Singapore
7. United Arab Emirates
8. Mexico
9. United States
10. United Kingdom

France provides the best environment for raising children, with the Netherlands second best and Australia in third place. Children in these countries appear to lead a much healthier lifestyle: spending more time outdoors and more time playing sports. Of course I am a little proud that the Netherlands scores so well on raising children. I will share more specific results about the Netherlands in one of my next blog posts.

What are your experiences with raising kids abroad? Do they match the results of this survey? Do you have tips for other parents? Please share it with us. Thanks.

Good reads:
Bilingualism and growing up abroad
My 10 advantages of growing up abroad
Third culture kids: learning their mother tongue
Third culture kids going to university

Photo by KConners, MorgueFile

Third culture kids: learning their mother tongue.

As I was on twitter tonight I realised that the tweets I was sending were mainly about language learning. So I thought that's what my blog post will be on today too. As you know I am an (adult) third culture kid. Born and raised in Africa but with Dutch blood. There are many advantages of growing up abroad but one of mine is that I was raised bilingually. We spoke Dutch at home and English at school. It was very tempting to mix English words into our "home" language but my parents had clear rules on that one. Especially when we as kids were quarreling we had a tendency to switch to English.

Now I am living in a Dutch environment but to this day I enjoy speaking English with by brothers and sister. We don't do it all the time but is feels so "comfortable". Even on the telephone we just switch from one language to the other.

It's good to have a family language plan. A language expert writes about it: Family Language Planning - A Tool For Success.

So what was my parents' plan? I'm not sure but here are a few things we did:

• Wrote Dutch letters to our family
• Sang Dutch children's songs, especially on long trips in the car! My mum knew lots of songs and loves singing. Songs like "Hansje Pansje Kevertje die klom eens op een hek..."
• Carried kilograms of children's books in our suitcases when returning back to Africa. This was in the time before you could order books through the internet.
• Were members of the children's library in Harare, Zimbabwe (that was 366 kilometres from Bulawayo where we lived).
• Had Dutch lessons during the holidays. As kids that was terrible, but now I am terribly grateful!
• Read many Dutch children's books.

I just want to encourage parents raising multilingual children. Please don't give up. I know it takes effort but know that in the long run your children will be grateful. Recently I have spoken to third culture kids who cannot speak their mother tongue well and they really regret it. A good site for information on this topic is Multilingual Living. Read this good advice on their website: 10 things you should NEVER say to your bilingual child.

Here's some food for thought on this topic:

1. Make language learning fun.
2. Don't listen to people who think that speaking the native language at home should be stopped.
3. Be patient. Being patient is the key for your child to build confidence in a second language.
4. Find material that helps with the language learning (like DVDs, computer games, books, CDs).

Want to read more? Bilingualism and growing up abroad.

Do you have thoughts on this topic? Parents do you have advice for other parents? Third culture kids do you have something to add? Please share your comments. (Photo thanks to Griet, Morgue file).