Will therapy be the place a third culture kid finds their voice?

Once again the internet has helped me find some research on third culture kids. This time it is a thesis on the subject "Third Route Kids: A New Way of Conceptualizing the Adult Third Culture Kid Experience" by Tamara Lynn Williams at the University of British Columbia (February 2013).

I want to quote part of her research. I know she writes specifically about the therapeutic setting but there are some great themes here: third culture kids as hidden immigrants, fitting in to the dominant group, silencing their voices, and not telling their stories.

"In a therapeutic setting, it may be of help to recognize your role as a therapist in restoring the voice to the TCKs in the room and to encourage them in finding places where their stories and their voices will be accepted as valuable. Being able to share their stories, even in a focus group setting, appeared to be a positive and encouraging experience for the participants, and their stories were often punctuated with laughter and recognition of a shared experience. Remembering that TCKs are often a hidden minority/non-dominant/immigrant population is important, since they may often be able to fit into the social expectations in the world around them and will often avoid talking about stories or experiences that may make others uncomfortable or that sessile individuals have difficulty relating to. As a therapist, it is important not to place people into predetermined categories based on assumptions of their culture or past. Many TCKs are able to appear to fit into a dominant group, due to the silencing they have experienced; if not given a voice in therapy, their experience may go unexplored. It is hoped that therapy will serve as a place where TCKs’ voices are heard and not another experience where TCKs are silenced."

The research included focus groups of third culture kids in which they discussed different topics. What was striking is that participants noticed that they all experienced a certain time that they felt:

1. Increased angst
2. Dissatisfaction with themselves
3. Identity confusion.

As they matured they grew out of the period of angst and identity confusion. During that time they they felt:

1. Dissatisfaction with their sense of self
2. Heightened anxiety
3. Sadness
4. Worry over whether they would ever fit in

There were periods of feeling grief, anger and sadness over their childhood experiences. The good news is that as they matured and grew out of that developmental phase they began to feel at peace and happy with their experiences.

If you grew up abroad, like I did and have experienced one or more of the feelings mentioned above then I hope you know now that you are not the only one with these feelings. It can be quite painful at the time but there is hope. A time can come when you feel at peace and can look back and kind of be happy with your experiences. I have not had help from a therapist but some times I wonder how it would have helped me. I read a lot on the topic of third culture kids. Reading and talking to others has helped me on my journey.

You might need a little help in the process, maybe a therapist can help you a little on the way. If you find a good therapist, the therapy can be a safe place where your third culture kid voice and story can be heard.

Tips to help you on your journey in becoming an adult TCK:

• Find people who will listen to your story!
• Remember you have a unique story which needs to be told. Start a blog or submit your stories for the TCK anthology, read Giving Third Culture Kids A Voice for more information.
• Sharing your story with like-minded people can be positive and encouraging.
• If in despair seek help from a good therapist.

Have you felt any of the emotions mentioned? Have you found a way to be at peace with your childhood experineces? Any tips? Did therapy give you a safe place to tell your story? I wonder. Please share your story here. By the way here's the link to Tamara Lynn William's research.

Related posts:

• The downside of growing up overseas as a third culture kid
• TCK Talent Diahann Reys in her elemant as writer, actor and storytelling coach (the Displaced Nation)
• Are you raising messed up kids?
• My 10 disadvantages of growing up abroad

So Many Global Stories Waiting To Be Told

I love stories and I love reading books. I usually have a couple of books on my bedside table. There is something exciting about stories. I truly believe that third culture kids, children who grow up between cultures have many hidden stories in their heart. Last week I challenged you: Dare to be a creative third culture kid. Well the challenge is still on. Join in.

My clogs by  DrieCulturen

Recently I found a nice story on Marilyn R. Gardner's blog: Communicating across boundaries. The title of the post was So Many Stories: The trunk that traveled the world. I like the story because it is told by a fellow Dutch third culture kid Annelies Kanis, who grew up in Pakistan.She lived in New York city and Zambia too. Her trunk tells part of her story. Do you have an article that tells a piece of your story? My old blue Dutch clogs tell part of my story.

There are more third culture kid stories that I read online this week:

• The introverted third culture kid by James R. Mitchener. I quote him: "Thanks to a lifetime of being dragged around the world, this TCK is in constant internal struggle with himself." 

•  Multiculturalism in California was a lie: how my being a hidden immigrant in America killed my self-worth by Hey it's Johnny C. "This is why I hate being in America often: I’m a hidden immigrant for having the blue passport and accent, and because of that, I don’t get the extra level of patience that people offer to foreigners."

• Third culture kid and pregnant: facing the tension by Esther on Libby Stephens' blog. "How on earth I could raise a global-minded child in the middle of America?"

• Transitions: Developing a better understanding of third culture kids by Megzy. " I still find it amazing how much I relate to the majority of everything I read about TCKs." 

•  Inventing the Perfect Country by Melissa Boey. Where's your favourite place to live? "If anything, I have been wonderfully spoiled by all the places I have lived."

This week a new book I had ordered arrived. I have not been able to read it completely but once again it all about the personal stories. It is the book Moving Experience: complexities of acculturation by Jutta König. It's all about her research, her thesis, that explores the inner dialogues and interactions of people with different cultural backgrounds. Jutta König grew up in America, France, Australia, Africa and the Netherlands. I am so glad there are (adult) third culture kids writing books and doing research on the topic. I hope to share more insights from the book with you in the near future.

I want to keep you well-informed, so I want to let you know that there will be a talk on third culture kids in Amsterdam on the 10th July. The talk will be given by Lesley Lewis who has worked with third culture kids for more than 30 years.

Are you ready to share your story? 

I want to end with a quote by Plato “Those who tell stories rule society.”

I am all the places in which I've left my heart

I came across this poem called "TCK" it is written by someone who writes under the name Marina Sofia. I would encourage you to read her poem. I just love it. Sometimes words can say so much.

In the poem she asks: "Who am I?"
One of her answers is: "I am all the places in which I've left my heart".

Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe by Janneke @DrieCulturen

If that's true, then pieces of my heart are in Zambia, Malawi, Zimbabwe, Scotland (I studied there for a couple of months) and here in the Netherlands. Recently we were on holiday in Indonesia, I think I lost my heart to that country too. Life's complicated sometimes.

I often think that there is so much more to me than you can see on the outside.
There's a hidden story on the inside for those who are interested enough to find out, or to ask about it.
For some the stories are too much to handle.
Growing up far away is a life beyond your imagination.
For others it is an exotic, fascinating story.
Maybe you fantasize too much.

Maybe we all have hidden stories.
Even those who grow up near to their roots.
Maybe we all have a moment that we struggle with our identity.
What do you think?

I do have a story to tell about every place that I left a piece of my heart.
Do you want to hear them?
Maybe in the coming posts.....
Let me know what you want to hear about.
I want to let you know that I want to hear your story too.

Is this true for you? "I am all the places in which I've left my heart"

Related posts:

• How do transitions effect children?
• Children of the world, where are your roots?
• Heard of the magazine: Among Worlds?
• New book about TCKs: Writing out of Limbo

Ken jij een Verborgen Immigrant?

"Ze zijn er wel maar je ziet ze niet. Ze lopen rond maar je hoort ze niet. Mogelijk vallen ze ook niet op, maar misschien toch wel een beetje? Ze doen niet mee met de laatste mode. Bepaalde spereekwoorden kennen ze niet. Hun taal is anders, wat voor accent is het toch? Ik kan het niet thuisbrengen."

Ja, zo was ik ook toen ik vanuit Afrika in Nederland kwam studeren. Ik was er wel maar viel niet erg op. Ik deed niet mee met de laatste mode. Op mijn middelbare school in Zimbabwe moest ik dagelijks een schooluniform dragen. Trouwens ik heb vanaf dat ik naar de eerste klas van de lagere school tot dat ik naar de universiteit ging altijd een schooluniform gedragen. Wat weet ik nou van de nieuwste mode in Nederland? Mijn accent? Het is een Engels accent in mijn Nederlands. Na de vele jaren Engelstalig onderwijs heb ik er een zachte "t" aan overgehouden. Het schijnt dat ik het woord "thee" toch anders uitspreek dan de meeste Nederlanders. Een verborgen immigrant noemen ze het ook wel. Kinderen die een deel van hun leven in het buitenland hebben gewoond en dan terugkeren naar hun "paspoort" land. Nederland is mijn paspoort land, mijn ouders zijn Nederlanders. Hier kan je meer lezen over mij.

Third culture kids zijn kinderen die in een ander land opgroeien dan hun "paspoort" land. Vroeger was het zo dat het vaak was vanwege het beroep van één van hun ouders. Meestal was het de vader die een diplomaat, zakenman, zendingswerker of ontwikkelingswerker was.

Vooral het terugkeren naar Nederland kan een flinke uitdaging zijn. Dat was het in ieder geval voor mij. Eigenlijk was het voor mij ook niet echt terugkeren, want ik had nauwelijks in Nederland gewoond. Wij kwamen wel regelmatig op verlof maar dat is toch heel anders dan hier wonen. Verlof betekende altijd dat wij weer weggingen, wij zouden weer afscheidnemen van Nederland en van onze familie hier. Op mijn 19de kwam ik alleen naar Nederland om hier te studeren. Ik was een verborgen immigrant, ik zag er net zo uit als mijn medestudenten maar ik voelde mij totaal anders, ik dacht anders, mijn reverentie kader was anders. Ik kwam er toen achter dat ik heel erg beïnvloed was door de landen waar ik in Afrika gewoond had.

Er is onderzoek naar gedaan in Amerika: "Third Culture Students, an exporatory study of the transition in the first year of college" door Dorothy S. Wiegel, University South Carolina 2010.

Deze 3 dingen hielpen studenten om een goeie start te maken op de universiteit:

1. De mogelijkheid om contact te hebben met docenten
2. De mogelijkheid om vriendschappen te sluiten met internationale studenten
3. Een ouder of een familielid hebben in hetzelfde land

Wat ook van belang bleek dat het fijn voor de studenten is om hun eigen verhaal ergens kwijt te kunnen.

Mijn advies is zoek iemand die naar je verhaal wil luisteren. Schrijf anders een dagboek of begin een blog. Lees ook mijn 5 tips voor jongeren die vanuit het buitenland in hun thuisland gaan studeren. Wil je meer over dit onderwerp lezen dan lees het boek "A Global Nomad's Guide to University Transition" geschreven door Tina Quick. Het is ook mogelijk om lid te worden van TCKid.com an online community voor third culture kids daar zal je meer mensen ontmoeten met een soortgelijk verhaal.

Meer lezen?

• Waar kom je vandaan?
• Ontdekken dat je een third culture kid bent
• Voorbeelden van Nederlandse adult third culture kids (ATCKs)
• Mijn taal verhaal
• Herinneringen aan Holland

Herken je het verhaal? Was jij ook een verborgen immigrant? Heb je nog adviezen?
Foto met dank aan Doberman van Morgue file.

Third culture kids learning to be themselves

Today it's all about the word "LEARN". You may have seen the 3 short films called MOVE, EAT, and LEARN. Well I am writing a post on each word. The first post was Global nomads on the move en second post was the palettes of the global nomad, all about food. I am writing about these three words because the words capture the life of third culture kids well.

Third culture kids are sometimes called chameleons. Recently Libby Stephens had a transition seminar with 36 third culture kids (TCKs) and the kids were asked to write a list of charateristics of TCKs. One of the words on the list was chameleons. Chameleons adapt well to their environment. They can change colour. The changing of the colour is for social signalling and for purpose of camouflage. Third culture kids, just like chameleons are experts in adapting to their environment. It is something they have had to learn. It is something I had to learn. The Dutch girl with blond hair and blue eyes growing up in Africa. Every time I was placed in a new situation I had to observe, watch and learn:

Chameleon

• What are the rules here? 
• What is "normal"? 
• What do they expect me to do? 
• What am I not meant to do?
• How can I pretend not to be different?

The observing, watching and learning was tiring. Adapting again and again and again and again. Usually it happened unconsciously. Trying to mix into the new environment. Even when I came to the Netherlands to study, I looked just like all the other Dutch students but I felt so different. It was so confusing. I felt so lost. How could I learn to be just like them? Would it be possible? Recently I discovered that there is a word that describes me "a hidden immigrant", I look the same but think differently due to my experiences growing up abroad. Something I have been thinking about is: could it be possible to adapt too much to my environment and thus loose a little of myself in the process? I think that could be possible and it is a little scary.

Have you read the poem by Whitni Thomas called "Colors". It is written by a missionary kid (MK). It is about growing up in a Yellow country and having Blue parents. Living in the Blue land there is still something Yellow deep inside and living in the Yellow land the person wants to be Blue. This is the ending:

"Why can't I be both?
A place where I can be me.
A place where I can be green.
I just want to be green." 

I want to learn to be green. To accept and learn just to be myself. To adapt and adjust when necessary but not to lose a part of myself. Growing up in another culture has made me different. What about you? How is your learning process? Have you learned to be green? Have you accepted yourself just as you are? Please share your thoughts with us on this topic.

Here you can watch the short film "Learn". All about learning in other cultures...

Read my post about Cultural identity confusion and third culture kids.

Image thanks to Pablogv2004 Morgue file.

Voorbeeld van een Nederlandse adult third culture kid (ATCK)

Er zijn waarschijnlijk meer mensen om je heen die in het buitenland opgegroeid zijn dan je denkt, alleen je ziet het niet aan ze. Ze worden ook wel eens "verborgen immigranten" genoemd. Ze zien er Nederlands uit maar hun levensverhaal is een verhaal wat zich voor een deel afspeelde in een andere cultuur en vaak dus ook in ander land.

Lees hier een interview met Ank Oosting, zij is als kind opgegroeid in Afrika en het reizen is een deel van haar leven geworden. Lees hier haar verhaal.

Ik zal hier met enige regelmaat iets vertellen over Nederlanders die in het buitenland opgegroeid zijn. Zijn de verhalen herkenbaar?