Guestblog "An Ode to the Third Culture Kids" by Casey

Recently I discovered a very interesting blog called True Colours. It's a lovely blog written by Casey. She loves traveling and has beautiful photos on her blog, you should have a look. I just fell in love with her Ode to Third Culture Kids. I am so glad Casey agreed to let me share it with you here. It's over to Casey.

An Ode to the Third Culture Kids

If this title confuses you, just bear with me and I'll provide a background on what I'm talking about.  But to start, one of the things I hope to accomplish on this blog is to promote understanding & to negate ignorances.  I think in order to do that, we need to start with my backstory to understand where we're going with this today.

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I was born and raised in Saudi Arabia.  

My home for all of my childhood, it was truly all I knew.  

It was home. 

So when it was time to leave, I left as a pre-teen child knowing that the goodbyes I was saying to my friends, my childhood home, the country I knew and loved, 

I knew I'd probably never see any of them again.

That day we left Saudi was heartbreaking, not just for me but for my parents too.  

I'll never forget the feeling that crept up on me that day, it truly changed my life.

From then on, the first couple years back in the States I had a really hard time. Not necessarily adjusting to life here or meeting new friends, but in the fact that I felt like a whole part of me was suddenly missing. Something I couldn't really explain to people that didn't understand.

For years, I HATED the question "where are you from?"  

I couldn't answer it without going into the whole story because I wasn't really "from" Saudi, 

but it had been my birthplace, my home.

And I wasn't "from" the States either, somehow that seemed far more foreign to me than saying I was from Saudi.  

And hence came many many years of not really feeling at home anywhere, never truly feeling like I was "home" in the States, nor that it was truly what defined my citizenship.

I had no one except my parents that understood this, though they also were in a different boat than me.  Their time in Saudi had been in adulthood, with many years in the States before that and so while they tried as hard as they could, it wasn't a feeling they could totally understand either.

Through my high school years the connection to my Saudi childhood friends over the internet helped tremendously.  At times when I'd really miss it, I'd talk to them.  I'd look at their photos of our old home and reminisce with them about when we were kids.  

Many of them I still am in contact with today.  

I apologize that this post is so winded, but here in lies the rub, this is the story of my life and it is winded.

I can't just say "I'm from Oregon" and be done with it.

Or "I'm American" and be done with it... because even though now both of those hold true,

they don't paint the whole picture, just a tiny part of it.

So anyways, in college I came across the term "3rd culture kid."

And it seriously changed my life.  This term describes kids like me, born and raised in a foreign country but a citizen of another and somewhere in between both of those, lies a 3rd culture we've sort of created for ourselves, a mixture of the 2 that we "belong" to.

To finally be able to see my situation written in a word, to finally be able to express what I had been feeling all those years in a way someone else might be able to understand. 

It was a huge revelation.

And then just the other day I came across this article talking about the exact same thing but relaying a single world for the feelings I've had for years.  "Saudade," a Portuguese word without an equivalent in English means "a longing, a melancholy, a desire for what was and something that really won't ever be again."

That word stopped me in my tracks the other day as I read the article (forwarded to me by a friend from Saudi).  That one word is one that I hold with me everyday in my heart and I've been holding it for a very long time now without even knowing the word that described it.

To really imagine the feeling, imagine the place you grew up, your house, your home, your friends, your family, your hobbies, your reality, gone in 1 day, knowing you'd never see it again. 

I guess my point in all this is that sometimes, as 3rd culture kids, no one understands why we feel this way.  People always tell me, "well you're American though, so I don't get it."

And I wish it were that simple but it is far from that.

While my passport has always been American, in large letters in the place of birth category is written

prominently "Saudi Arabia" and there is the story of my life.

Caught between 2 cultures that have never been truly mine, either one of them.

So now years down the road, I look back and can understand a little better what I went through and what I felt is felt by 3rd culture kids all around the world.  

And so here is my ode to the 3rd culture kids around the globe, may we find peace in who we are, where we come from and how the world has shaped us.  

And may others try to understand that it isn't so black and white for us, 

that sometimes cultures blur, boundaries are undefined.  

I think as a world we need to understand this more and as more and more lines do blur,

we must know that our hearts can hold pieces of our "homes," even if that home can't be 

drawn on a map.

I'll always be a little "Arab" and I'm so thankful for that because it's a huge part of who I am

and I hope it always will be.

Now when someone asks me where I'm from, I smile and respond

"I grew up in Saudi Arabia."

And then I wait for the questions that always seem to follow...

  Photo copyright Nick Nieto

Casey on twitter @cmart1015
Bloglovin' True Colours
Casey wrote another post recently: A Little bit of Background

Guest blogger Lucia Bodeman Lets us know Where she is from!

I am excited to announce that Lucia Bodeman joined in the challenge I wrote about in my recent post "I am from....And Where are you from?" I met Lucia online and we have never actually met in real life, hopefully we will one day. Lucia is an ELT educator in Recife, Brazil. She is a fellow blogger at Lu Bodeman. We have more similarities. We both grew up as third culture kids, have some Dutch blood, and are constant learners. Lucia loves education, travelling, languages, and culture. If you want to join in the challenge too just post a comment and let me know. So over to Lucia.

I am from........

I am from Maracatu, Caipirinha and nice, warm tapiocas.
I am from the sandy beaches, with tropical reefs, high-rise buildings and the fresh smell of coffee.

I am from sugar cane plantations, giant lilipads, sweet cakes with guava cream, and listening to the sounds of the Bem-te-vi.
I am from mystical lands, where many religions unite and football is also a religion, from growing up in a family of different cultures, from Indonesia, Brazil with a deep admiration and love for the US of A.

I am from dancing, singing and scrapbooking, from recording memories and welcoming the New Year by jumping three times on the coast of Boa Viagem beach – for good luck.
I am from visiting different lands, learning and teaching different languages and trying to stay fit.
I am from the soft swaying of the ‘ciranda’, ‘churrascos and Capibaribe River.

I am from Recife, Los Angeles, Arcadia, Rio de Janeiro and the Netherlands. Culture defines who I am.
I am from peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, from 4^th of July celebrations and cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving. 

From rootbeer and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. From barbeques and sushi with friends. I am social.
I am from the warm waters of Recife, but not completely. I am also American, and Dutch. I am part of a multitude. Of colors, of experiences, of pride. I am a third culture kid.
A global citizen, looking for a place to call Home. Perhaps Home is within me. Wherever my people are. My family.
I am neither from here alone, nor there. I carry my three homes with me, because that is what makes me complete.
I am from my experiences, my family, my friends. And my spirit is free.

Guest blog: Grandparenting Over The Seas by Libby Stephens

Libby Stephens is a third culture kid consultant who is passionate about third culture kids and works with them, their parents, teachers at international schools. She is committed to using her expertise in supporting organizations and schools, and empowering individuals worldwide. Check her website for more information. You can follow Libby on twitter too: @Libby_Stephens. I read this article on Libby's blog and I asked her if I could share it with you. Thank you Libby for such useful information in this internet age.

Third Culture Kids

One of the risks of living internationally with young children is that your child may not develop a close relationship with his/her grandparents. Your parents will never forget they have grandchildren, but it is possible that your children forget they have grandparents. But it is only a risk. It does not have to be so. Being relationally close while geographically distant is definitely possible if planned with thought and intentionality.
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Here are some reasons why it's good for your Third Culture Kid to have a close relationship with grandma and grandpa:

1. “Stories” are the language of TCKs so it is important they hear some of those stories. As parents we often don’t tell stories about our own lives growing up. That task often falls to extended family members…especially to grandparents.

2. When grandparents make attempts to get to know their grandchild even while living far apart, there is a unique foundation of relationship that begins. When the child goes “home” he now has someone who accepts him, loves him. This is especially critical for TCKs because being with extended family can sometimes be the most difficult. In this way, grandma and grandpa’s house can become an oasis. It often gives them something to look forward to when they return to your passport country.

3. It gives them exposure to older people. When I was working at an international school my father, a biochemist and microbiologist, came to my school after retirement and taught AP classes in science. He was a quiet man, but the students lined up to talk to “Doc”. I asked a group of students one day why they liked Doc. “He’s old. He’s wise. He is history. I think he must be like my granddad.” They would say. Because many TCKs are in the international community for much of their growing up years they do not have the opportunity to get to know older adults.

4. Having grandparents provides a relational root that is connected to time and history. It helps them develop a sense of relational history. Since a TCK’s sense of rootedness is in relationships rather than in geography, it becomes all the more important that  relationships with extended family and most especially grandparents be strong. Parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents, great grandparents give the TCK a family line he belongs to. Not just by blood, but in relationship.
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Here are just a few ideas for grandparents to help them develop emotional closeness while they are far apart from their TCK grandchildren.

1. Skype…Grandchildren need to see grandparents because keeping the children current on what grandparents look like is very important. Though some children may actually get to be with grandparents in the summer months, I don’t think that is enough. It’s important that children see their grandparents age. There can be a lot of physical change in children and grandparents in one year. Remember, young children keep the last image they saw of the person as what he/she is supposed to look like.

2. Create a CD…As parents we often make videos of our children and send them to grandparents, but I would like to suggest that it happen the other way around. Oh yes, continue to send those videos to grandma, but encourage her to make one for your child. I know of one grandmother who set the camera on record and made a CD of herself reading bedtime stories to her grand children. She would read a little, then turn the book around to show the pictures as if her grand children were right in front of her. Just think how magical that was to those kids.

3. Photos…on the computer to be printed by you or sent via mail…it doesn’t matter. Just ask your parents to do this - and often! This is a tangible thing that can be put by a bed, in the living room, or at the dinner table when there is a special occasion and you want your child to remember your parents. It keeps grandparents present.

4. Emails…Quick little updates especially for your child! Kids love getting mail. And getting mail from grandparents is especially good. If your children are teens, ask your parents to send them text messages. Short texts at spontaneous times does wonders for a relationship. The teen doesn’t forget grandpa is there, and he sees grandpa as cool because he knows how to text!

5. Hand written letters...Sadly this doesn’t happen much anymore. I know a TCK who was in boarding school who said he got a hand written letter every week from his dad! I asked how much that meant to him and he said, “Well let me put it this way, to this day I have never thrown even one away”. Do grandparents need to send a hand written letter every week? No. Actually I would vote against it. Emails or Skype every week, I love it, but not the hand written letter. Save this medium for special occasions…first day of school,  her first date, a proud moment, or a treasure of truth that a grandparent may want to tell his grandchild.

6. Gifts…this is a tricky one. Everyone loves gifts and grandchildren know the best gift givers are grandparents. Here is the tricky part. Mom and Dad, it is your responsibility to keep this under control. It is so important for your children not to view grandparents as gift machines…putting money in every envelope, giving them everything they want when they visit. Balance is the key. Otherwise there is no real opportunity for real depth to grow in their relationship. It becomes all about the presents.

7. Play games together online…Yes, I really do mean this! There are so many games online that require multiple players and it doesn’t matter where you are. Time zones might be an issue, but I say it’s worth it.  Think about how they would get to know each other and what memories are being made!  Trust me, when they see each other face to face, there will be plenty to talk about and a great way to start conversation.

8. Tell stories …You as parents need to tell stories about your parents to your children: “I remember when your grandfather…” Family, history, roots are important! But it cannot stop there. Grandma and grandpa must tell stories too, about you, about their own childhood, about the child himself, from grandma’s perspective.

9. Watch a video or cartoon together…why not do this via SKYPE! The share screen option means the grandkids and grandparents can watch the same move at the same time, while both are eating popcorn! These make wonderful MEMORIES and a great story to tell.

10. Visit the child’s world…I cannot close this blog without mentioning this tip for forming close relationships between TCKs and grandparents. I know often we live in places where when on holiday, we just want to get away. But please do consider once in a while flipping the trip. Bring the grandparents over to you. They will see that though you may be living in a difficult place, your family is fine. More importantly, your parents have entered your child’s world. When that happens something unexplainable happens. There are new conversations. There are shared memories in your child’s land. And your parents will begin to understand the vocabulary of your child’s life.

What about you? How have you ensured that your parents stay emotionally close to your children when they are geographically so far apart?
Looking forward to your thoughts and ideas,

Libby
PS: Of course, it’s up to you as parents to make these things happen. Explain to your own parents why it is so important for you, the kids and for them.
Photo by JDurham, Morgue File

Related Posts:

•  Modern technology a blessing or a curse for our third culture kids
• Third Culture Kids learning to be themselves
• Interview with TCK Heidi Sand-Hart author of "Home Keeps Moving"
• New book: Writing out of Limbo the International Childhood Experience of Global Nomads and Third Culture kids
  

Great twitter links on kids growing up in other cultures

Photo by Janneke @DrieCulturen Yummy Indonesian food!

So sorry that it has been quiet here on my blog. I have been on holiday and have been enjoying travelling abroad, just like most third culture kids do. Have you seen Aga Magdolen's film "Les Passagers"? A text in the film is:

"Before I learned to walk I already knew how to fly".

So flying is second nature to us. Airports can be a cause of excitement: the door to the rest of the world. This time I was in Indonesia. All my senses have been stimulated. There is so much to see, hear, smell, taste(!) and feel. When I am in other countries I feel "alive". It feels good.

I just wanted to let you know that I was asked to write a guest blog this week. If you would like to read it hop over to this blog Tales from Windmill fields. It's all about cultural identity confusion and third culture kids. This was my second guest blog. My first guest blog was on Expat Explorer and it's called "Where are you from?"

Here are some great twitter links just in case you missed them:

Good news for #TCKs in Europe! Ruth van Reken is coming to a Third culture kid conference April 2013 http://bit.ly/ym6WvN

"I can truly say that my experiences have given me the greatest gifts one could ever ask for" A third culture kid says http://bit.ly/x8vCR1 

Third culture kids being the hidden immigrants. Identify! http://bit.ly/xNVks5 

How to help kids deal with a move abroad... http://wp.me/p1J9Lk-VB

3 Important Factors to Consider When Raising a Bilingual Child http://bit.ly/y8TbFP

Great read! Musings on the meaning of the word "Home" in an article by former third culture kid http://bit.ly/zyz6d2  

Worth reading: "Pivotal journeys for third culture kids" http://bit.ly/AeaajD 

Third culture kids and the questions they get http://wp.me/pKKy1-ua

Having a Baby Abroad – #UAE http://is.gd/KoVma0

Having a Baby Abroad - Global Differences Series: #SCOTLAND http://is.gd/TrgayD  

I’m like a chameleon, tend to start talking like people I’m surrounded with. #TCKs & accents http://bit.ly/yH9z8B

Want to study #medicine in English in Europe? Check what the possibilities are for #globalnomads http://bit.ly/wr0Txs

Please add your link if you have news on third culture kids or anything that has to do with kids growing up in other cultures. Thanks.

Related posts:

• Great third culture kid information on the web
• Language Links for parents raising multilingual children
• Twitter update week 49
• Book Review of new book: Expat Teens Talk

Guest blog by An African Gypsy: A story of an Adult Third culture kid

I was born in ex-Yugoslavia in the 1960’s. My divorced mother met a Sudanese student of Agriculture when I was five. Later, they got married and we moved: first to Iraq then Libya and traveled extensively by car through Turkey, Greece, and Egypt.

When I was twelve we settled in Khartoum, Sudan where I attended a Catholic school for girls and lived on a farm by the Nile. Sudan was a melting pot comprised of Coptics, Syrians, Greeks, Egyptians, Lebanese, numerous Sudanese tribes as well as the expat community. An entire generation of multiethnic and multifaith children.

There was something exhilarating and never monotonous about having all these customs, cultures and beliefs blend in one place, constantly something new to learn. Bewitched by the music, folklore and language of each country I have visited or lived in, I still love applying the intricate patterns of Henna and wearing the colourful Tobe. (A garment indigenous to Sudan that is draped around the body and worn loosely over the head) My favorite facet of such a lifestyle was accepting everyone equally. Colour, race or faith made no difference to me. Most people I grew up with were mixed race including my siblings who are also Muslim.

On the farm in Sudan

Even though I loved Africa I missed my grandparents, my father and my hometown. Also, I didn’t fit into any of the existing *categories* in the Sudan. I was not half Sudanese as many of my friends were and I was not an expat child whose parents worked for embassies and foreign companies. I grew up immersed in a Sudanese household, with a Sudanese stepfamily and half African siblings but my outer appearance didn’t fit my colloquial Arabic dialect or my unconsciously native mannerisms. Little children would run after me on the street giggling and shouting, “Halabiya” (Gypsy) due to my fair skin. (In Sudan, people from a gypsy origin are lighter skinned) Or they called me “Khawagiya”. Foreigner. It didn’t feel good.

As I get older, my birthplace, my hometown of Osijek by the Drava River tugs at my heart more urgently. I get emotional over Balkan songs and jokes. I miss the aroma of local bread, the delicate peaches, and chestnuts in the winter...the fields of sunflowers. On the other hand, the magnificent Nile, the scent of mangoes and jasmine and the rhythm of African drums call me just as powerfully.

Nowadays, I live in Dubai, interacting with people from 198 nationalities. Listening to the soothing echoes from a host of languages intrigues me in countless ways. Here, I blend in.

This interest in multiculture has led me to pen stories about individuals who are displaced, then thrown together in a culturally alien setting and how that changes them. My novel ‘Dubai Wives’ follows the lives of eight women from ethnically, culturally and religiously diverse backgrounds and their transformative journey in the glamorous metropolis of Dubai, a place as intricate and complex as the woven threads of a beautiful carpet.

Through all my writing and inner self searching I have realized that I will probably never be completely content in any one place, cursed and blessed by the countless forces that  have shaped me.

Good sites for third culture kids: http://www.tckworld.com/ and the Global Nomads Group. 

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Thank you Zvezdana Rashkovich for your guest blog! It's my honour. Zvezdana is author of the novel Dubai Wives. On her website www.zvezdanarashkovich.com you can find more information. We met on twitter @SleeplessinDubai in 2011. We have in common that we both grew up in Africa and are both (adult) third culture kids.

Third culture kids and exciting new things!

Art: someone did something new....spotted in Holland

There are some things that I really enjoy doing and one of those things is: "doing something new!" The past 6 months has been full of new things. I will just name a few:

1. Started this blog: DrieCulturen
2. Made a twitter account. You can follow me @DrieCulturen
3. Tweeted more than a thousand tweets.
4. Discovered that there are actually people who want to follow me.
5. Planted potatoes in our own garden for the first time in my life.
6. Harvested and ate my homegrown potatoes. That was so exciting!
7. Made strawberry jam from homegrown strawberries for the first time in my life.

Some time ago I wrote a Dutch blog post on this same topic. The post is called "Nieuwe dingen doen". In my post about the disadvantages of growing up in another culture I mentioned that "restlessness" is one of the disadvantages of having had lots of change during childhood. As a result of the restless I want change or new things. Some third culture kids say they want to move house every 2 years. They feel an "itch", they just have to move. A long time ago I decided that I want to grow some roots where I am living now, so I will not move but just stay here even when I feel the "itch". Life is all about making choices!

Now to tell you about the most exciting new thing. I have recently been asked to write a guest post for Expat Explorer. The great news is that today my post has been published on their blog. So I want to invite you all to hop over to their blog and read "Where are you from?" It's a real honour to have been asked to write about third culture kids for their blog. Thank you!

I have been writing on this blog for just over 5 months now. Just for fun I will list a couple of my favourite blog posts on my blog. By the way I really enjoy writing on this blog.

• My 10 advantages of growing up in another culture
• Third culture kids learning to be themselves
• Third culture kids going to university
• Cultural identity confusion and third culture kids
• Libby Stephens explains what third culture kids are
• New book: Emotional Resilience and the Expat Child by Julia Simens
• Global Nomads on the move
• Global Nomads no the move part 2

Have you done anything new recently? Do you have an urge to do new things? How do you handle the "itch" (the extreme desire to keep moving)? I would love some new comments on the blog so please few free and let me know what you are thinking. Thanks.