Dealing with Third Culture Kids

Some time ago I wrote the post Counselors be curious about the upbringing of third culture kids. I received a comment from Elfie and she wrote about her experiences with therapists: Counseling a TCK. Of all the therapists she had there was not one who knew the term "third culture kids". It's sad that therapists do not know what kind of challenges we face. Luckily there are some that do know! There is an International Therapist Directory. Maybe that can help.

On the Children's Mental Health Network website I came across an interesting article The Trouble with Third Culture Kids. Here's part of what it said:

"Rebecca Grappo, an educational consultant who specializes in the placement of these children, says there are three basic things all children need:  belonging, recognition and connection.  For TCKs, these basic needs are ripped away with each move.  Powerless in the decision to relocate, their many losses are often not acknowledged even by their own parents, and the main problem is unspoken, unrecognized, shunted aside.

It looks like depression, but it’s not.  This is the face of TCK grief.

And, according to Ruth Van Reken, unresolved grief is the most urgent mental health issue facing TCKs -- the children as well as the adults they will become."

So there are many losses that third culture kids go through. There's grief. There's something that looks like depression. Maybe sometimes it is a depression. There's a good article on Denizen "Dealing with depression as a TCK student". The article includes 5 tips on how to stay mentally healthy as a TCK when you are feeling challenged.

This week I read a post by a third culture kid called Hippie in Bloom. A friend of hers who also grew up making international moves as a child wrote: “I don’t like it much. Life would’ve been much easier if I were one of those people who never left the country and didn’t care about stuff.” 

The problem is that we can not change the past, so we need to find a way to deal with it. I think that's one of the challenges that we, (adult) third culture kids have to face.

Related posts:

• New mentoring program for expat teens
• Third Culture Kids going to university
• The Most difficult transition for third culture kids
• I'm all the places in which I have left my heart

Image thanks to grietgriet at Morgue File

Neither here nor there...where do I belong?

 

"We all grew up in multiple countries

and multiple worlds,

the reasons are different 

and where we grew up is completely different

but we are united by this experience."

These are just a few words of the film "Neither here nor There" produced by Eman Ryan Yamazaki. The film is all about third culture kids, growing up among worlds. A trailer can be seen above. Clips of the film will be shown at The Families in Global Transition Conference (FIGT) 2012 in Washington this Friday 30th of March. The DVD of the film is for sale.

It's a documentary that explores cultural identity for people who have grown up in places other than their home culture, known as Third Culture Kids. Through the stories of six people, the film investigates the often overlooked effects on adults who had international upbringings, their struggles to fit in and an eternal search to belong. "Neither Here Nor There," explores the ideas of cultural identity. One person says: 

"I am a confusion of cultures, uniquely me"

As you know I was a third culture kid too. I have been thinking about the trailer of the film. I can identify with the people in the film. Their story is just like mine. The following words are my thoughts on this topic.

The past I cannot change,

the future I can try to influence

the present I can make the most of

but most of all I want to accept myself, just the way I am.

I will be happy just because I'm ME.

Mix together a little of these countries: the Netherlands, Zambia, Malawi and Zimbabwe.

Stir well

Add lots of sunshine

Allow to mature

Sprinkle with some tears

Enjoy the result: ME.

What are your thoughts on this topic? 

Related posts:

• Cultural identity confusion and third culture kids
• The downside of growing up as a third culture kid
• Children of the world: where are your roots?
• Third culture kids learning to be themselves
• Aga Magdolen's TCK film "Les Passagers"

The best gift you can give your kid

I came across this Language Challenge 180 and I want to share it with you. There are over 650 people worldwide joining in the challenge and learning or passing on to there kids more than 50 different languages. I'm excited about the challenge because it is such a precious gift parents can give their kids the possibility of learning their mother tongue or father tongue. I wrote a blog on third culture kids learning their mother tongue.

As many of you know I grew up in Africa, I went to an English speaking international school and was surrounded by English speaking people most of the day but my parents come from the Netherlands. So my mother tongue is Dutch. To this day I am so glad that my parents made an effort to teach us to speak, read and write Dutch. Yes you are right it cost them energy, money, time and perseverance, but I am grateful.

Just to get back to the challenge. You can find more information on the website of Multilingual Living. I am impressed by the helpful information that can be found on this website. If you join in the challenge you will receive 2 emails each week with language tips, information and activities for the week. There are prize giveaways each week.

On the language page you will find many different languages. There you can share language-specific tips, resources and information. Here are a few languages that you will find in the list:

1. Dutch
2. English
3. Spanish
4. German
5. Italian
6. Chinese
7. Arabic

There are many more languages in the list. Here are two quotes from the Multilingual Living website:

"When it comes to learning a language or passing one on to our children, the key component is consistency: doing at least a little bit each and every day."

"Languages are a little like muscles: if we don’t use them, they can atrophy over time."

I found this quote on the internet too and I like it:

" Preserving Your Heritage Language is the key to preserving your next generation, giving your child a true sense of identity and a high level of self esteem."

-- Soji Oyenuga, 2006

I hope I have motivated you as parents to start or to keep teaching your kids your own language. I truly think it is the best gift you can give them. Do you agree? 

Related posts:

• Language Links for Parents Raising Multilingual kids
• Bilingualism and growing up abroad
• Cultural Identity Confusion and third culture kids
• Taal

Photo thanks to Duboix Morgue File

Re-entry into your passport culture

I just listened to an online program by MemberCareRadio and I was impressed. I discovered that there is lots to listen to about the process of re-entry. I listened to Marion Knell being interviewed on the subject of third culture kids and re-entry into their passport culture. Marion is author of the book "Families on the Move - growing up overseas and loving it". More recently she wrote the book "Burn up or Splash down: Surviving the Culture Shock of Re-entry". What I heard makes me want to buy both books.

You probably know that I was a third culture kid entering into the Netherlands after having been born and bred in Africa. You can read more of my story here. I actually only just survived the culture shock at the time. It certainly was an emotional roller coaster, but the worst part of it all was that I did not know what was wrong with me. Apparently it helps to have access to some information before returning to your passport culture. This can be through a debriefing, from books or by talking to people who have gone that path before. Looking back I had none of these. No debriefing, no books on the subject and nobody I knew who had gone the path before me. Sometimes we third culture kids wander down lonely roads.

Marion Knell gives third culture kids 4 tips to process their emotions when re-entering (or entering your passport culture). The 4 "P"s:

1. Permission to express your feelings
2. Permission to feel pain
3. Pathways to say goodbye, saying good "goodbyes"
4. People to share your experiences with, people who are interested in your stories.

I remember that I had one friend during my university days who was really interested in hearing my stories. She asked many questions. Where did you live? What kind of house did you live in? What was your school like? What did you do in your free time? We spent hours talking while we went cycling, walking on the beach or just while drinking a cup of tea at home. During our conversations we traveled the globe. We walked down memory lane. It was heart warming.

I hope you meet people interested in your stories. Remember not everyone is interested in your stories, but that does not matter. Just don't give up telling them but find somebody who wants to listen. Joining an international students society can help because there the chances are greater that you meet others whom you can relate to and who have stories like yours. Do you have any suggestions that can help third culture kids when returning to their passport culture? Please share them.

Related posts:

• Reverse Culture Shock and third culture kids  
• Third culture kids going to university 
• Children of the world, where are your roots?
• Teenagers: the sky is the limit?