"Dear everyone who has kids: If you want to mess up their heads and damn them to loneliness, raise them in a place radically foreign from what you know and love. It works every time.
Growing up, I was the poster child for third culture kids. I didn't fit in anywhere. Even when I was well liked, I didn't really fit in anywhere."
There are real challenges for third culture kids, children growing up in multiple countries, continents, and communities. There is an "identity issue". Where do I belong? Where's home? Who am I? Where do I fit in? I have written about cultural identity confusion and third culture kids before. When I was growing up in Africa I cannot really remember having any real identity issues. During primary school I attended an International school so there were kids from many different nationalities. We were all different, there was no problem there. The community was constantly changing. We were saying "hello" and "goodbye" regularly. It was a way of life. To me it was a normal way of life. During secondary school in Zimbabwe I remember being called "the foreigner", but even that I could accept.
The identity issue became a real issue when I went to university in the Netherlands (my passport country). My whole life I had said that I was Dutch. I spoke Dutch, I had a Dutch passport, nearly all my family lived in the Netherlands and yet suddenly I did not feel Dutch. I discovered that there were many things about normal Dutch life that I did not know. It is so hard to explain, it is not only about knowing things but also about feeling different.
Through twitter I came across a blog post written by Julia Munroe Martin. She was a third culture kid (TCK). She grew up in France, Belize, Kenya and Uganda. She writes about "always feeling and being different in every culture, never fitting in anywhere..."
Related posts:
Image thanks to Jusben Morguefile
Great post my dear TCKer. Funny indeed we all seem to have the same issues. I do however believe many of these feelings subside, or at least get buried somewhere. I don't feel that the balance is entirely negative but then again, it's all in the eye of the beholder. Keep on blogging mate!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouraging words William. I agree that the balance is not entirely negative but there are some real challenges. Many TCKs I have spoken to have had to deal with a form of "restless" and the feeling not being able to settle down. There is more information available these days about third culture kids and I would like to encourage all expat parents and parents raising cross cultural kids to read about this topic.
ReplyDeleteMoving internationally is a "major life event" in the life of a kid.
Beautifully said, Drie. I hopped over and read Julia's guest post as well. Very thoughtful, very poignant. I believe writing about these issues does help others to find their way, express their emotions, commit to making whatever adjustments they need to build a fulfilling life. Thanks for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteSuch a great post -- and thanks for the shout out to my post at Emma's. This is important information that I wish my parents had access to when I was a child, actually. My identity crisis really hit when I went to high school, part in the states and part in Kenya. It was very difficult for me. No question it was "a major event" no matter where I lived. And as an adult I hate to say it but (outside my immediate very loving husband and children) I have always felt different and on the outside.... and I would agree that I'm restless and never quite feel like I fit in anywhere... great post.
ReplyDelete@Linda, yes I really liked Julia her guest post as well. I just had to share it. I grew up in Africa too, just like Julie did. It is so amazing that I can really identify with what she wrote even though we all have our own unique experiences but there are definitely similarities. Writing helps.
ReplyDelete@Julia I'm so glad you commented. Thanks. I think the fact that kids adjust easily when they are young does not mean that all the moving around will not affect them in the long run. I'm still restless too and I have to deal with it.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the great post. I had a difficult time with reverse culture shock when I returned "home' to the USA for college. My son will do the same this year and my daughter next year after spending most of their lives outside of the USA. I have tried to prepare them for the benefits and challenges of being a TCK. Now that I am an adult, I thank my parents often for the opportunities I had growing up overseas. I can only hope that I have prepared my own two for an exciting life with eyes wide open!
ReplyDeleteWhen I talk with my parents about this issue, they didn't realize the hardships I would have coming back to the US from years of living abroad. My parents left the US when they were in their 40's. The identity issue has never been an "issue" for them and they couldn't relate, at first, to all the hardships I've had with reverse culture shock and not fitting in here in my passport country. I often talk with my husband about living abroad again and when we have children, raising them in that lifestyle. He's nervous because he sees the hard times I've gone through. I explain, although I've had a difficult time - I know now from my own experiences what to potentially talk with them about and how to help them feel at "home" wherever they are. Thank you for this post and for your contributions to TCKs :)
ReplyDelete@Globalanni That's nice, a comment all the way from Malaysia! The internet is great for making connections and finding information. Yes I can imagine that you can help your kids because you have been there too. Have your kids read the book "Third culture kids, growing up Among Worlds" by R. van Reken and D.Pollock? That was the book that helped me. There is another book I would recommend: "A Global Nomad's Guide To University Transition" by Tina Quick. The book would be a nice present for them. I wish them both well and hope that they are able to connect up with some others TCKs or international students at college, it helps.
ReplyDelete@Megzy Yes it's true there is a difference between how parents experience things and how the kids do. Children are still in the process of developing their identity. I came across an interesting blog on this topic by James R. Mitchener "The TCK barrier between parent and child" http://thirdculturekidlife.wordpress.com/2012/04/26/the-tck-barrier/
ReplyDeleteIt's worth reading. Thanks for your compliment.
I lived in Greece for three years, yet, I didn't notice any bad influence on my kids. On the contrary, I think that their life became reacher and more interesting in terms of experience and tolerance.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment. There are positives to growing up abroad too, I have written about those too in another blog post. There are may variables: each family and child is unique. How growing up abroad is experienced has to do with the number of moves, the age at which a child is moving, how the parents handle the move etc.
ReplyDelete